Not so fast…

[frankthetriviaman]

"Well I guess I have no choice... its time to BREAK IT DOWN!" Calvin declared, as he suddenly started break dancing.

"Oh yea, two can play at that!" Duncan said as he started doing the robot

"Face my wrath!" Ava said as she started doing whatever dance craze is popular right now

"But none of you can top THIS!" Everett said as he started doing the worm... but then a very audible crack was heard.

"AHHH! My back, someone get the chiropractor!" he said, holding it in agony.

Fiona pulled out the rule book and started flipping pages... "uh... is this a pause under section six, or a removal and continuance under section 14?" She said as she read the fine print

[Toz76]

The game paused for a few minutes while medics checked over Everett.

"He's gonna be okay," the referee said, "but he'll be out for the rest of the day. The rest of you can finish this match without him, right?"

The five nodded.

"Alright... on your mark... get set... go!"

The five stood in a circle, pointing their guns at one another.

[frankthetriviaman]

"All right, I'm going start this party with a BANG!" Barnes said as suddenly a bucket of a kinda spicy sauce fell on Ava.

"Agh! What the?" Ava said as she tasted what it was, "Well, at least its tasty" she noted

"Bang Bang sauce, goes good on shrimp" Barnes noted.

"Well, you can't defeat me cause I'm on a roll!" Calvin said as bunch of bread rolls fell on Duncan.

"Oh yea, but are you prepared to meat your doom?" Fiona asked as Barnes was pelted with steaks.

"I'd say I'm having a ball" Ava asked as lots of little plastic balls fell on Fiona

"Nice try, but you're moving at a snail's pace!" Ava said as a bunch of snails fell on Calvin

"Uh... uh... something something covered in slime now" Duncan said as Calvin was covered in slime. "What? You try coming up with a slime pun on the fly"

[Toz76]

"It's slime to meat your end?" Ava suggested, wringing the sauce from her hair.

"I've had a wonderful slime?" Fiona suggested.

"Are these all gonna be time-related?" Duncan groaned.

"Of course not, there are plenty of other words that... slime... with slime!" Ava said.

Duncan facepalmed.

"Isn't there a Drake song with slime in the title? Could we do something with that?" Fiona asked.

"That song sucks," Duncan replied.

"Not so fast!"

Everyone turned to see Calvin, dripping with slime but triumphant, holding a strange object in one hand.

"What is that?" Barnes asked.

"This is an instant-win totem! While you all were distracted, I spotted it under this fake cactus! And now the game is mine!"

"Unless someone takes it from you in the next ninety seconds," Fiona pointed out. "And your hands are pretty slimy... it'd be easy to snag it from you."

"That's way nicer than my strat," Ava said. "I was just gonna kick Calvin in the-"

"Slime won't stop me!" Calvin said. "This is my game to lose, and I intend to win!" And he turned and ran, leaving green slime footprints in his wake.

[frankthetriviaman]

"Get him!" Ava said as the other four proceeded to give chase.

Calvin ended up running into a hallway that had 2 rows of doors, four on each side. They were numbered L1 - L4 on the left, and R1 - R4 on the right.

Calvin frantically ran into R3, followed not to far behind by the others

Everett emerged from L2 holding the totem, then ran across to R1 while being chased by Ava

Fiona emerged from R1 and ran frantically across the hall to L1 while being chased by Duncan who was wielding a baseball bat

Barnes emerged from L3 and ran across the hall while being chased by Calvin who was shooting at him with a super soaker

Ava emerged from L2 holding the totem, and ran across the hall to R4 while Duncan chased her holding a unicycle

Calvin emerged from R1 dressed as a vampire and ran across the hall to L3 while Fiona chased him while wielding a cricket bat

Ava, Barnes and Duncan emerged from R4 on a tandem 3 person bicycle and rode across to L2 while somebody in a bear mascot costume chased them while wielding a chainsaw

Fiona emerged from R2 dressed as Princess Peach and ran across to L1 while being chased by a brown horse

A cow emerged from L1 and ran across to R1

Ava, Barnes, Calvin, Duncan and Fiona emerged from R3 and did a conga line across the hall to L2

Barnes emerged from L2 dressed as a pirate, while holding the totem and frantically ran across to R4 while being chased by Jason Voorhees

Fiona emerged from R1 and cartwheeled across the hall to L2 while being chased by Duncan wearing a hot dog costume

Calvin emerged from L3 riding a tricycle and peddled across the hall to R3 while being chased by Ava and Barnes who were riding in Cozy Coupes

Duncan emerged from L2 in his underwear, stopped after a few feet, went red in embarrassment and frantically ran back into L2

Man In Blue emerged from R3 wielding the Blade of Erdagovern while being chased by the Bronze Mage who was wielding a magic staff while himself being chased by the Red Mighty Morphin Power Ranger who was holding his sword; all three ran into L1

Barnes emerged from L4 wearing a firefighter costume, holding a fire ax while being chased by Ava in a ballerina costume and holding the totem, they went into R2

Frank, Toz, Eyes and Tug emerged from R1 wearing barbershop quartet clothes and ran across to L2 while singing a few bars of a song

TGC is seen flying across from L3 to R3 followed by Darth Vader as he walks the same path, his arm up from using the force to push TGC like that

Ava briefly pokes her head out of L2 then goes back behind L2

Duncan emerges from R3, stops, and gets confused. He cautiously goes to L4 and opens the door and enters. He emerges from R1, shocked, and wearing a cowboy costume. "What the fu-" is all he manages to say before frantically running across to L2 while being chased by Freddy Krueger.

Man In Blue and Bronze Mage emerge from R4 while being chased by Ava wielding a torch and Fiona wielding a pitchfork, the four of them run to L2

Man In Gold, Man In White, Duncan, Barnes, Toz, TGC, Eyes, Woman In Blue, Man In Blue, Fiona and Man In Black all emerge from L1 by moonwalking, and moonwalk all the way to R1

Barnes emerges from L3 on roller skates, holding the totem while being chased by Calvin who is wearing a Spartan costume to R2

Fiona emerges from R3 wearing a Wonder Woman costume and runs to L2 being chased by a buffalo

Ava emerges from R1 dressed as a disco dancer and frantically runs to L3 while being chased by Duncan who is wearing a jester costume

Calvin and Fiona, with Calvin holding a map and Fiona holding a compass, emerge from R4, stand in the middle of the hallway for a bit, get oriented, look at each other and nod, then run into L1 together

Bronze Mage emerges from L2 being chased by Frank who is wielding a halberd and run into R3

Toz and TGC emerge from L3 in go carts and race across to R1

Calvin and Fiona emerge from R2, stop and look confused, look at their map again, then run into L2

Barnes emerges from L1 wearing a Santa costume, the totem in his sack, then runs across to R1 while being chased by Duncan, who is wearing a bathing suit

[Toz76]

Suddenly, all five emerge from R2, with Calvin once again holding the totem.

"Wait, who were all those wizard dudes?" Ava whispered to Fiona

"I'd explain it, but it would require breaking the fourth wall, and last time I did that you got annoyed with me," Fiona said.

"What do you mean by 'fourth wall'?"

Calvin ran to a giant tree and began running around it. The four followed, and they all began running around the tree. Calvin jumped into the branches, and the others kept circling the tree, thinking they were still chasing him.

Calvin checked his watch. "Almost there... five, four..."

[frankthetriviaman]

He heard cracking then looked over... next thing he knew he was falling and crash-landed on the ground, having lost his grip on the totem.

Everyone gathered around him, then looked around frantically for the totem when they realized he wasn't holding it

"Dang it! We've dug our own graves!" Ava muttered. The camera zoomed out to realize she was standing on thin air over a hole a la wile e coyote

"Wait, how is this poSSSIIBBBBLLLLEEEE!!" She said as she suddenly started falling down the hole leaving a comical whistling noise behind her

"Well ain't that a kick in the head!" Barnes declared as suddenly a boot was thrown at his head, knocking him out cold

Calvin was just lying on the ground, sore from hitting the ground at the speed he did

Fiona and Duncan now looked at each other, face to face

"Guess there's only one way to settle this" Duncan said

"Indeed" Fiona agreed

"Rock paper scissors" they both said together.

"Best of three" Duncan added

So, they played their three rounds:

They both did paper

They both did rock

They both did scissors

Both looked at each other equally frustrated.

"Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock?" Fiona suggested

"Best of Three" Duncan said in agreement

[Toz76]

"Nice try, but Spock always wins!" said a voice.

Fiona and Duncan turned to see... Everett!

"Everett! I thought you were gone for the rest of the day!"

"Yeah, and your shift ended ten minutes ago! Y'all were in those weird dimension-hopping doors for a while."

The trio looked at each other.

"Overtime pay?" Duncan suggested.

"Overtime pay," Fiona agreed, as the three drew their weapons on one another.

[frankthetriviaman]

"Looks like we've got a traditional Mexican standoff for the first time in a while" Fiona observed

"Do we though?" Everett said with a grin as he whistled and suddenly... someone came up behind Duncan and smacked him in the back of the head.

"What the?! You think that will do anything to me? Honestly that was pretty juveni... wait a minute, my contacts fell out!" Duncan said as he holstered his guns and began frantically searching the ground for them.

"You and me... Everett grinned as Fiona pointed her pistols at him.

"Well, Everett, you've always been a man in good health, but wouldn't it be a shame if you kicked the bucket?" Fiona grinned.

"What does that even me-" And suddenly a bucket fell on Everett's head, blinding him.

"Hey!  Who turned out the lights!?" Everett screamed frantically, as he started screaming and randomly hitting the bucket... instead of just pulling the bucket off his head, like you would think someone in this position would do, yet he didn't, he just kept hitting the bucket.  Was is frustration?  Fear?  Who knows

Fiona then started counting "30...29...28..."

[Toz76]

Suddenly, Ava fell from the sky and landed on Fiona.

"We've got to ban dimension-warping anomalies next round." Ava muttered.

"Well, it's you and me," Fiona said. "Let's settle this. The only way we know how."

Suddenly, there was a smash cut to the two of them playing chess.

"I still think we should have done Magic The Gathering instead of chess," Ava complained.

"That's because you're losing," said Fiona, as she captured a bishop with her knight.

[frankthetriviaman]

"You would think that but I'm planning my comeback!" Ava said as her pawn captured a rook

Ava went on to capture 3 more pawns, a knight and a bishop and Fiona captured both bishops and a rook before... they stalemated

"how does that even..." Ava said in disbelief

"Ugh! That's it! Arm wrestle!" Fiona said as the two went at it.

Around that time, Everett got the bucket off his head, then got a brilliant idea.

He casually strolled over and offered them cookies. Both took ate them and suddenly... Ava got the same euphoric daze look she experienced back on page one while Fiona... suddenly looked anxious.

"Wh... why are there giant purple turkeys?! They're everywhere! DON'T LET THEM EAT ME!!" She screamed in terror as she sort of did that crawl scarred people do while sitting on their butts and going backwards, then upon getting to the wall, she raised her arms in front of her face, cowering in terror

Everett was beginning to feel kinda guilty, "I mean... I heard cannabis edibles cause hallucinations but I didn't realize it was this bad" as he debated calling a time out in his head, out of guilt

[Toz76]

"Wait, don't edibles take like an hour to kick in?" Duncan said, still searching for his contacts.

"It's comedy cannabis, don't you remember the lore?" Calvin said, still clutching his head.

"Fakeout!" Ava yelled suddenly, kicking Everett in the shin.

"Ahh!" Everett fell to the ground. "I deserved that!"

"I know the comedy cannabis is gonna kick in for real soon, but I can still win this game before it does!" Ava said. "All I need to do is deal with Fiona--"

"No, she's actually high," a referee said. Fiona was in the fetal position, hyperventilating.

"Huh, I guess that means-"

A bunch of confetti shot out of somewhere offscreen, and a big banner that said "Ava wins!" descended from the ceiling.

"Ooh, yeah, it's starting to kick in..." Ava muttered, lying down on the ground.

The referees inspected the field. Ava was lying on the ground in a daze, Fiona was still hyperventilating, Barnes was knocked out, Calvin and Everett were both in pain, and Duncan was crawling on his hands and knees looking for his contacts.

"That round got a bit brutal towards the end, huh?" One referee said to the other.

"Oh well, more violence means more viewers!" The other said cheerfully.

[frankthetriviaman]

(Three days later)

In the meeting room, the six were sitting in chairs around a chalkboard as the manager gave them updates before they would start round 19 Ava was looking really happy, now that she finally won that spa certificate, but the others were in various states.

Notably, Fiona was doing that thing women sometimes do where they hold their arms up against their chest while being hugged by someone else, in this case Calvin, and Duncan was on the phone with his eyewear insurance provider, demanding better contacts since “they shouldn’t fall out like that”

“All right, so I got some announcements for some rule changes in light of last round. Why we did get some great reactions to the gags, and I’m sure Ava doesn’t mind them, I cannot condone the use of substances when they are accepted involuntarily. So while it may be legal in this state, I’m banning the use of cannabis edibles going forward” the manager concluded

“Darn it” Ava muttered

“That was so scary…” Fiona said under her breath

“Yea… I think she’s gonna have to sit out the first half of this round or so” Calvin pointed out.

“Some other announcements… we are currently in 3rd stage of the hiring process so we may get some new faces soon, expect that in future rounds” the manager began

“By the way… what was the deal with those doors and costumes?” Barnes asked

“Honestly… no idea, it was left over from the comedic chase business that occupied the space before us. However, that scene was a ratings explosion for us so expect that to be utilized again in the future” the manager said

“Fine, but at least don’t use the Buffalo or the bear mascot guy again” Barnes said

“Yea, a guy can’t see much in a mascot costume as is so being forced to wear that while wielding a chainsaw feels like an accident waiting to happen” Ava pointed out

[Toz76]

"However, there is one big change that we're making for this next round. We're just trying it out, if it's a flop we'll cut it, but here's the idea... this next standoff will be filmed in front of a live studio audience!"

The manager flashed some photos of the arena. Grandstands had been erected all around the arena, as well as some screens like you see at sports stadiums in case they went into the infinite door corridor or something again.

"Hmmm... is this a good idea?" Everett asked.

"It's not a bad idea!" The manager said.

"I don't love that." Everett said. "Not a big fan of that."

"You each get two front row tickets for friends and family of your choice. Ava and Duncan, I assumed you would also want to invite your boyfriends, so I went ahead and got them front row seats as well."

"Hmmm... I dunno, I don't always like mixing my work life with my love life." Duncan said.

"Alright, the live studio audience round starts tomorrow, so think carefully about who you want to invite. See you here at 8:00 for hair and makeup!"

"Do we want to do a pre-round dinner beforehand?" Ava asked the group.

"Sorry, I, er... have plans." Calvin said.

"Yeah, me too." Fiona said. "Gonna be busy tonight."

"We all know you two are going on a date tonight, there's no need to be coy about it," Everett said.

Calvin blushed. "How did you know?"

"It's like the most obvious thing in the world," Duncan said. "I literally have half a brain and even I picked up on it." (Please note the post on page one that establishes that Duncan had a hemispherectomy as a child)

"I didn't know about it," Barnes said.

[frankthetriviaman]

Everyone stared at Barnes

......

The audience was going wild as everyone began making their grand entrances

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our standoffee's! Introducing, BARNES!" the announcer said as Barnes made his entrance to applause

"and DUNCAN!" The announcer said as Duncan walked in to applause as well

"EVERETT!" declared the announcer as Everett dramatically came in on a motorcycle

"FIONA!" the announcer said as Fiona came in... suddenly the applause got really loud and she got a standing ovation

"Last round's champion, AVA!" the announcer continued as the applause went back to the previous level

"And of course, CALVIN!" the announcer finished as Calvin made his entrance... only for the crowd to suddenly go completely silent. No one was angry or had a scowl, or even booing him. It was just, as soon as Calvin walked out, everyone suddenly went silent, and had a straight face.

Calvin looked over to where the families were, "Mom? Dad? You too?" Calvin said, taken aback. Everyone kept their straight faces.

He wasn't crying, but a visibly saddened Calvin just sighed and turned around, walking back the way he came.

The other five, having taken position, were also taken aback.

"I'm sorry... this is just cruel" Fiona whispered to Everett and Barnes, who nodded in agreement

[Toz76]

"Not so fast!" yelled Calvin's dad from the stands. "Duncan bribed us to not cheer for you to put you on the back foot, and we thought it would be a funny prank, but it's clearly gone too far! Come on out here!"

Calvin reluctantly came back out, to cheers from the audience.

"Damn it... do you know how hard it is to bribe every single member of the audience with a fifty dollar bill?" Duncan muttered.

"Dude, there's like... thousands of people in the stands." Barnes said.

"Close to ten thousand, by my estimate," Fiona said.

"I had to take out a fifth mortgage for that gag! I need to win this round..." Duncan muttered.

The six took their positions, standing equidistant from one another around the arena. Ava blew a kiss at her boyfriend as she got into position.

"On your marks... get set... standoff!"

Everett struck first, producing five more motorcycles from out of nowhere.

"Hey, guys, if you just concede and let me win, I'll give each of you a motorcycle. Look, they're all painted to match your outfits, see?"

[frankthetriviaman]

“And they’re off!” The announcer began as he began the coverage “Everett opens with a bribe of a free motorcycle to whoever wants, but will anyone take?”

“Uh… no thanks; at the current market rate if I take that motorcycle I’ll probably have to pay a $7000 tax on it” Ava said

“We don’t have licenses” Calvin indicated him and Fiona

“I’m straight up scared to ride one” Duncan replied

“I mean… I guess it’s a maybe? Strictly speaking that motorcycle holds more value than at least a third of what’s in the prize room so it’s not a bad trade off” Barnes noted

“And it looks like Barnes is taking the bait! But wait, looks like Calvin is calling on the lackeys!” The announcer declared as five people with spray bottles came out

“Let’s see if you’ll survive as I turn this stage into everyone’s least favorite part of the mall… the perfume department!” Calvin declared

“You wouldn’t!” Ava declared

“That’s practically torture!” Everett said as the five cronies began spraying, only for Ava and Everett to go down as if they were in a gas attack

[Toz76]

When the pinkish, chemical mist cleared, the arena seemed empty. The crowd gasped as they scanned the area, looking for the competitors.

"Where did they all go?" The announcer asked, genuine confusion creeping into his voice.

Suddenly, a random member of the audience stood and removed their mask, revealing... Calvin!

"My plan worked!"

"No it didn't!"

A second audience member stood up, removing a bald cap to reveal: Ava!

"Just you and me, Cal!"

"And me!"

A third audience member stood up, removing a shoddy wig to reveal: Everett!

"I see we all had the same idea!" said a fourth voice, as a man stood and removed his sunglasses to reveal... Duncan!

"Okay, very funny, now get out of the audience before someone gets hurt!" The announcer said.

One of the people handing out popcorn sighed and removed the costume, revealing Barnes underneath.

"Wait a sec, where's Fiona?" Calvin asked.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the arena, Fiona was in line for the bathroom, wearing a fake mustache.

"Ugh, why is the line so long?"

[frankthetriviaman]

Everyone but Fiona reconverged in the fighting area and just then, Ava raised her arm in preparation to make a move

“And it looks like Ava is getting ready for her signature move, the Syracuse Slamdown! But what’s this? Barnes counters with a Portabello Roundhouse! But Calvin isn’t blind and takes advantage with the Rolly Poley, and here comes Duncan with his iconic Portland Tailspin! Everett’s no slacker and goes after Ava with the Louisiana cleave, but what’s this?! Barnes has brought out the Tulsa Tussel, and he’s going Freestyle with it! But Calvin’s noticed and… yes! There it is! The one, the only, the Bavarian Disco Maneuver! WOW, that’s is going to be so hard to counter, but wait! Ava’s going for a, yes, there it is! She’s done the Australian Forklift, and it doesn’t look like Calvin has a counter for it! But Duncan has the initiative and he’s leaping after Barnes, this can only mean one thing; it’s the triple tater lunge special!! But Calvin has taken notice and he’s going for it, he’s activating his Eyes of Teragon! Oh, I haven’t seen a battle this exciting in years!! Can ANYONE win this standoff?!” The announcer asked excitedly

The five were in the exact same positions as before the monologue began, only this time they were all looking at the announcer’s box, confused

“Uh… I literally just raised my arm” Ava pointed out

“I was born in Atlanta, why would I name a move after Tulsa?” Barnes pointed out

“Should someone check if the announcer is on shrooms or something? He’s clearing not watching the same fight we are” Calvin suggested

“And what the hell is a Portabello Roundhouse anyway?” Everett asked in confusion

[Toz76]

But the crowd was suddenly chanting "Bavarian Disco Maneuver" over and over again.

"Wait, what's the Bavarian Disco maneuver?" Fiona asked, returning from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her combat boot.

"It was something Calvin did in round 9 to secure his first win," Ava said. "It went viral online, you've definitely seen it."

"Oh, right! It's the one with the hula hoop and the spray cheese and the-"

"That's the one. I was washing chocolate and glitter out of my hair for a week afterwards," Ava said.

"Well, whatever it is, the crowd really wants to see it. "Bavarian Disco Maneuver" is a really difficult phrase to chant in unison, but they're pulling it off." Everett glanced at the stands in amusement.

"Well, I can't do the Bavarian Disco Maneuver today," Calvin said. "My roller blades are in the shop, and I couldn't get my emu guy to call me back in time."

"Guys, are we chatting, or are we standoffing?" Barnes snapped.

"And where did Duncan go?" Calvin said.

"Not so fast!"

Everyone looked up to see Duncan, dangling from the ceiling by a thick rope hooked to his waist.

"Your distraction will be your downfall. For, you see, I have forty-six thousand ping pong balls, an eggplant, and an authentic Minoan Greek urn!"

"Oh no... he's about to do the Sacramento Special! Everyone scatter!" Ava yelled.