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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 4, 2023 11:35:43 GMT -5
But since today marked the beginning of a new round, this meant the manager had called a meeting before he could do anything about it.
"All right, now everyone carrying dual wielding pistols was great last round, but the higher ups have decided that we need to shake things up for the next round if we really want to take round 18 to the next level. Now, we've talked to some focus groups, and we've considered their feedback, and... well, I feel obligated to disclose the rejected ideas first. Fiona and Ava- while there is no doubt that you two are considered attractive by our audience, and this move may increase our popularity with the upcoming summer season and all, we are NOT putting you two in bikinis; we have no intention of objectifying you or treating you two as mere "eye candy" since you are so much more than that" the manager assured
"Thank goodness" Ava said in relief.
"I mean, strictly speaking I don't mind it so long as it's my choice what bikini I'm wearing" Fiona admitted
"I wouldn't mind a beach day" Everett said as Calvin and Duncan nodded
"No no no, we're sticking with the overcoats; they fit the set up best" the manager said. "However, Duncan- we're also not giving you a Bowler hat... we're not sure where that came from but it wouldn't fit"
"Probably a reference to my amateur theater days when I was Vladimir in Waiting for Godot" Duncan clarified
"Right. But now the good news- Calvin, it's been decided you don't need the eyepatch anymore; I know you took it off accidentally in the porta potty but the audience liked the you without the eyepatch so we're going to let you go normal now"
"Thank goodness, my lack of depth perception was an unfair disadvantage" Calvin said in relief.
"Also, we've received complaints from PETA about the animals we're using... so we promptly ignored them since they are full of sh*t" the manager explained
"Good" all six said in agreement
"So we're going to be shaking up your weapons too... Ava and Duncan, you'll keep the dual wielding pistols. But Barnes, Calvin, Everett and Fiona you'll be shaking up your loadout" the manager said
......
Now, Ava was standing with her dual wield pistols, Barnes was dual wielding Uzi's, Calvin was armed with dual wielding magnums, Duncan was armed with dual wielding pistols, Everett was armed with dual wielding sawed off shotguns, and Fiona was on the rooftop overlooking them armed with her sniper rifle from her initial appearance that everyone seemed to forget until now.
"And... begin!" the voice said over the intercom
"Fools! let's see how you like it when I TURN UP THE VOLUME!" Duncan said as his crony pressed a button and... It's a Small World began playing over the loudspeakers
Everyone was confused and at first shrugged it off, until...
(30 minutes later)
Duncan was grinning as the others found it difficult to focus with one of the most notorious earworm songs now stuck in their heads
"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears" Ava muttered to herself
"It's a small world after all" Everett whispered to himself
And Fiona and Calvin were humming the tune
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 4, 2023 15:56:27 GMT -5
But Barnes just laughed. "Nice try, but I've never been to Disneyland and I have no disney nostalgia! My parents didn't think Disney was a sufficiently christian corporation. Which means I am immune to your earworm, and I can do this!"
Barnes reached into his pocket, but it was difficult to reach into his pocket while holding an uzi.
"Um, could someone hold this?"
"My hands are full," Everett said, his arms sagging under the weight of dual sawed-off shotguns.
"Ok, I'm gonna set this down, just give me a sec..." Barnes set the gun down and reached into his pocket, pulling out... a baseball card!"
"This is a limited edition Babe Ruth baseball card from '47, mint condition, secured in a laminated sleeve, worth 463,000 dollars at auction. Catch!"
And Barnes tossed the valuable baseball card into the center of the stakeout, hoping the group would fight over the card and whittle their numbers down.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 9, 2023 10:38:44 GMT -5
Everett ended up being the only one going for it
"Yea, I don't want to put up with the taxes" Duncan said as Ava nodded in agreement.
"The baseball card market was super saturated in the 90s and 2000s and its been all downhill ever since" Calvin pointed out.
"My parents left me a nice sized trust fund so as long as I remain in good standing in my community I will get that when I'm a little older" Fiona shrugged.
"I would like to clarify that this is the first I'm learning of this and I fell for her personality" Calvin whispered to the camera
Everett pocketed the card before picking up his sawed off shotguns... "uh... can I swap out one of these for a revolver? This feels like an accident waiting to happen"
But he was cut off by Duncan, "nice try, but we're not into cards. Now, let's see whose left standing after I do... THIS!" Duncan said as he gestured to his cronies to unleash the next thing.
Suddenly, the two cronies were shown to be... holding a giant teddy bear. As one held it in place, the other took out a knife was was preparing to cut it. Most looked confused, but Ava, in a blind fury, dropped her guns and bolted toward the crony, tackling him and began punching him rapid fire, "DON'T YOU DARE LAY A FINGER ON MR. BUMBLECAKES!!" She screamed as the second crony who was holding the bear suddenly dropped it and ran away in terror.
"Who names a Teddy bear Mr. Bumblecakes? Mine's name is Andrew" Barnes thought to himself
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 10, 2023 5:46:09 GMT -5
Ava was in a vicious rage, absolutely tearing into the random cronies. By the end of the fight, the two cronies were bleeding from several wounds and Ava was cuddling her bear.
"Don't worry, Mr. Bumblecakes, no one will ever lay a finger on you again."
"What a low blow, dude," Calvin said. "For shame."
"You don't lay a finger on someone's stuffed animals. That's just cruel." Fiona added.
"Mr. Bumblecakes has been with me since I was a baby. I love him and my other stuffed animals more than I love most actual humans. If anything were to happen to any of them I'd kill the people responsible and then myself." Ava said.
"Jesus, I had no idea this would be such an unpopular move," Duncan said. "I won't hurt anyone else's stuffed animals, jeez."
Duncan turned to the eight other cronies entering the arena. "I'm calling it off, guys."
"Good! Who hires a hit on a plush bunny rabbit! Sicko." One of the cronies said.
"Anyway..." Everett said. "You mean the sawed-off shotguns that are actually connected to invisible laser beams?"
"That's a terrible line," Calvin said.
"No one's used the "you mean the *element* that" setup in a while, and besides, you need to look out for my invisible lasers!"
Everett used the lasers on the end of his sawed-off shotguns to carve the letter E into the dirt in front of him. Unfortunately, because people in a mexican standoff stand in a circle, there was some confusion.
"Why'd you carve the letter M?" Fiona asked, confused.
"That's clearly a W," Duncan replied.
"Um, actually, you're both wrong, that's obviously a three." Barnes replied.
"Y'all aren't appreciating the danger of the invisible laser beams enough," Everett complained.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 14, 2023 17:06:21 GMT -5
“But isn’t a laser just a light?” Ava asked
“You call this JUST a light?” Everett said as he shot at Calvin; the blast destroyed his belt buckle, and caused his pants to fall
“NOOOOO!!!! Don’t look at me!!!!” He screamed, embarrassed and he did a mix of holding his pants up and walking over to behind some crates.
“Not so fast!!” Barnes declared, causing everyone to look at him. “Why is it whenever a man’s pants fall down it’s considered funny but when a woman’s pants fall down its sexually inappropriate?” He said with a raised eyebrow.
Suddenly everyone kinda lowered their guns as if they collectively realized that he had a point.
“Maybe… the sight of men’s boxers is funnier than the sight of women’s panties?” Everett said with a shrug
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 15, 2023 2:04:34 GMT -5
"I think it has to do with how men historically pose a danger to women," Ava suggested. "A man's pants falling down because of a woman's actions is funny, but a woman's pants falling down because of a man is less funny because it carries an overtone of implicit sexual assault. The woman becomes the man's victim."
"Nice try, but women can still do awful things to men," Barnes interjected. "There are male victims of female creeps."
Calvin, who had managed a makeshift fix for his pants, rushed back over. "Not so fast! That may be the case, but statistically, the vast majority--"
"Hang on, are we about to do a post where we argue about feminism but preface all of our arguments with the mexican standoff interjections?" Fiona asked. "That's a terrible idea."
"What's a 'post'?" Ava asked.
"Doesn't matter. While you were distracted, I prepared this! Allergy gun!"
Fiona set down a sniper rifle and pulled out a heavily modified nerf gun.
"I took note of all your allergens over the past few weeks. Pollen for Ava, peanuts for Calvin, cat fur for Barnes, kiwi for Everett... Duncan, you don't appear to have any allergies, so I'll just hit you over the head with this once I've taken the rest out."
"Actually, ever since my hemispherectomy, I've become deathly allergic to- wait, why would I tell you that?" Duncan asked.
"Wait, how do you know that I'm allergic to cats?" Barnes asked.
"There was that post on page one," Fiona explained.
"What's a 'post'?" Ava asked.
"You literally had fourth wall awareness when that Diesel showed up during that Angel Dust hallucination, Ava, what's your deal?"
"Fiona, what are you talking about? Are you okay?" Ava looked confused.
"That's not important," Barnes said. "Yes, Calvin did bring in cats to trigger my allergies last round, and yes, it worked. But I took my ANTIHISTAMINES, and it cancelled them out. And I took them in advance today. Nothing can set off my allergies."
"Wow, so much continuity in this one post," Fiona muttered.
"Fiona, stop talking about posts, you're scaring us," Ava said.
"No matter," Fiona said at last. "Maybe Barnes is immune to my allergy gun, but Calvin isn't! Prepare for peanut buttery doom, Calvin!"
"Fiona, no! My peanut allergy is really severe! They have to rush me to the hospital or else I die! You wouldn't do that to me just for an advantage in a standoff, would you?"
The air grew tense as Fiona pointed the peanut butter gun at the man who had been struggling for days to admit his feelings for her. The others stared intently, watching Fiona's every move to see if she'd pull the trigger.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Sept 4, 2023 11:55:59 GMT -5
The tension was building up, and finally broken when Calvin managed to blurt out, "Fiona! You wanna meet for dinner after this? There's something I want to talk to you about!" He managed to say.
Everyone was taken aback at this and paused for a few seconds, while Fiona... grinned and put down the allergy gun, "About time man; seriously, do you know how long I've been waiting for that?" She said before giving him a thumbs up.
"Wait... you knew?" Calvin asked.
"WE ALL DID!" The five, as well as the surrounding cronies in the wings said, taking Calvin aback.
"Then... then why didn't anyone say anything?" Calvin asked in confusion.
"Because I ordered them not to!" A voice said over the loudspeaker. "Do you have any idea how much of a boom it is for ratings when "Will they/won't they" is part of the storyline? It adds meaningful drama and keeps people coming back for more, and now you've just ruined that. Calvin, in my office, NOW!" The manager ordered.
Calvin looked at everyone, who also looked at him sympathetically, With Ava, Duncan and Fiona muttering about "that's a stupid premise" before Calvin sighed and walked out of the area.
Everyone just kind of stared at one another for about 30 seconds before Barnes decided to get everything back on track, "Ah, one down and four to go! Who will still be standing after I unleash this!" Barnes said; and suddenly, Ava, Duncan, Everett and Fiona were all doused with a large amount of warm water as cronies snuck up behind them and doused them with those giant plastic buckets.
"You... you do realize this is just water, right?" Everett said in confusion. But then in that moment, Duncan's overcoat comically shrank down a few sizes as he found his arms restricted in movement and was forced to drop his guns.
"You insensitive jerk! Don't you know this is dry clean only!?" Duncan said angrily as he tried to move his arms
"It's your fault for not using the overcoat the company provided" Barnes shrugged
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Post by Toz76 on Sept 5, 2023 22:57:27 GMT -5
"I wanted to look cool!" Duncan protested.
"Nice try, but wet hair just makes me look even cooler!" Ava declared. "And that means... all of you can't resist my feminine wiles!"
"Dude, we all know you're already in a relationship," Everett said.
"Yeah, none of us want to come between you and your boyfriend," Fiona added.
"I don't swing that way," Duncan added.
"And I'm way too old for you," Barnes added.
"Oh well, worth a shot. Cronies, unleash the leopards!" Ava said.
Five leopards suddenly charged into the arena.
Meanwhile, Calvin was waiting outside the factory manager's office. A nameplate read "Standoff Factory Manager Z-" but the rest of the name beyond the first letter was cut off.
Yolanda, the secretary, let Calvin in. The factory manager was sitting at his desk, fuming.
"Calvin, you've gone and ruined your main running gag!" The manager said. "What do you have to say for yourself."
"I'm proud of myself! I'm glad I got the courage to ask Fiona out, and I only wish I'd done it earlier."
"Oh really?" The manager said. "Well..."
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Sept 12, 2023 19:40:44 GMT -5
"...you'd better hope you've got another gag lined up for you within the next few days, cause you're going to need a new selling point now!" The manager said
Back outside, the leopards were charging at the others! Only... they weren't leopards, they were people controlling leopard puppets a la the lion king
Everyone looked at Ava, confused. Ava shrugged as she admitted, "Sorry, sponsorship deal. See the Lion King on Broadway!" She said, looking at the nearest camera.
"Sellout" Barnes and Everett muttered.
"Now, taste the wrath of my bats!" Barnes said as he pressed a button on his jacket.
"Oh, you mean the bats I induced hibernation in by exposing them to the cold" Fiona said with a grin.
"Then that means no one is ready for THIS!" Duncan said as put a gas mask on and signaled his cronies. A weird gas began filling the area as Duncan laughed menacingly, "face it! Once you have had a good whiff of my analgesic gas, you'll feel too numb to do anything!" Duncan said with a laugh.
"W-wait... analgesic?" The crony said with a shutter.
"Yes, what else would it be?" Duncan asked.
"Uh... I got your order, but... I couldn't read your handwriting..." The crony said as he revealed the bottle he put in the device.
"What? Aphrode... YOU IDIOT TURN THE MACHINE OFF NOW!!!" Duncan said angrily.
It was utter chaos as Fiona went into a tirade about "Why the F*** is that a thing," Duncan frantically getting gas masks to give to the others, Ava running off and assuring Jeremy "This wasn't what I signed up for", and Barnes and Everett covering their mouths as everyone cleared the area.
"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!" Duncan said as he passed the camera
(CUT TO: "Please stand by" screen, Calvin walks in front of it a la green screen effect)
"Ok, so the good news is, we cleared the area before anyone inhaled the stuff, bad news is its going to take an hour to air out the arena, so we're just going to wait until the arena is aired out and safe to use again. Don't worry, we're getting one of our secondary sets ready in the mean time. I mean, the back alley is iconic, but we're confident the warehouse will be a fond throwback to Round 6 this year. So, I'm just going to kill time here while they get everything ready. So, in the mean time allow me to ramble on about the vacation I took to Seattle this year. You'll notice I was absent from Round 12 this year; that was when I took my 2 week vacation to Seattle. Sure, it rained virtually nonstop, but that didn't stop me from having a good time. There were some great art museums, and great seafood too. Have to tell you though, that monorail was such a letdown; get this, it was a highlight of the 1962 world's fair, and it's only one bloody mile long! Not only that, but you get on near the space needle, and it only stops at a mall, a mall! What is this, the 1980s? I mean, sure, malls have their uses, but the one I got off on was such a letdown..."
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Post by Toz76 on Sept 13, 2023 0:04:53 GMT -5
"Oh, I agree," Toz said. "That mall's gotten noticeably worse in my lifetime, too. They tore out most of the food court and replaced it with an overpriced clothing boutique that takes up an entire floor."
"Wait, who are you?" Calvin asked.
"Sorry, wrong thread."
Soon, our contestants were gathered in the temporary warehouse set. There were large piles of unlabeled crates to climb on, take cover behind, and reveal secret weapons from within.
"Not so fast!" Everett said once the referee blew the whistle. "While we were moving sets, I swapped all the ammo in your guns with blanks! Now I'm the only one with any real firepower!"
"We aren't supposed to actually get shot and die," Ava pointed out. "It's in our contracts."
Barnes, meanwhile, walked up to Everett and pressed the barrel of one of his Uzi's against Everett's head.
"Blanks are still extremely dangerous at close range, Everett. How about you withdraw from this round calmly and quietly, before this gets nasty."
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Oct 17, 2023 20:18:58 GMT -5
"Do I need to remind you of *paragraph 8* of our contracts, Barnes?" Everett said rather casually, prompting Barnes to groan and take a few steps back.
"Imbeciles! Now none of you are ready for this!" Duncan said as he gave the signal. And suddenly... the other five were flying! Well, not really. See, what happened was when no one was looking was Duncan's cronies sneaked behind the others and tied ropes to them, and now they were going up and down and all over like they were in a cheap production of Peter Pan or something.
"This isn't good! I get motion sick really easy!" Ava said as she tried grab onto something
"I think I already have vertigo" Calvin muttered as covered his mouth.
"Ha ha ha! Try and top that!" Duncan said in delight, as he began counting down the mandatory 30 seconds
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Post by Toz76 on Oct 18, 2023 2:39:28 GMT -5
"Try and top this!" Fiona said, as she produced a top hat from seemingly nowhere. "Duncan! Pick a card, any card!" She pulled a deck of cards from the hat and tossed them to Duncan.
Duncan obediently took the deck of cards and drew a random card: the Nine of Diamonds. He quickly shuffled it back into the deck.
"Very good... now, please take off Barnes' left shoe and look at the underside of his sock."
Duncan walked over to where Barnes was dangling and yanked off his boot, despite much protest. On the bottom of his sock, written in permanent marker, was the phrase "your card is the three of clubs".
"Wrong!" Duncan said triumphantly.
"Oh, wait, I meant his right foot."
Duncan yanked off the other shoe. This sock said "your card is the ten of spades".
"Wrong again!"
"Dang it!" Fiona dug through her hat, discarding several live rabbits and a pair of skis. "Where's the cheat sheet for this trick?"
"What is your magic trick going to accomplish?" Duncan asked. "You're still hanging in the air, and your time is almost up!"
"But I'm not," A voice said. Duncan turned to see Everett, who had managed to get free from the ropes and sneak up behind him, pointing a gun at him.
"It's over, Duncan! I win this round! I..." Suddenly, Everett started coughing. He spat out a large wad of paper. Everett unfolded it quickly.
"Your card is the five of diamonds? How many of these did you hide on the battlefield?" Everett asked incredulously.
"Magic!" Fiona said, before throwing up into the hat from nausea.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Oct 19, 2023 22:33:53 GMT -5
"Now Duncan, let's see if you'll survive my next move!" Everett said dramatically as he snapped his fingers.
Just then, an audio recording began playing, "October 17th, Mommy made my favorite again, and I hope she..."
"WHO THE HELL IS READING MY JOURNAL!?" Duncan said in rage; he began shooting at the speakers around the warehouse to shut them up, disabling them and distracting himself
"Yes, I can taste my prize now!" Everett said in delight
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Post by Toz76 on Oct 21, 2023 16:28:03 GMT -5
"That's what you think, but you're actually tasting lemonade!" Ava said.
"What do you mean-" Everett was cut off as Ava, dual-wielding a pair of soda guns, fired a jet of lemonade directly into his mouth.
Everett stumbled away, coughing and spitting out lemonade.
Ava smirked. Duncan was distracted, Everett was incapacitated, and everyone else was still hanging from the ceiling. The prize was almost hers!
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Nov 23, 2023 10:04:11 GMT -5
Then at that moment, Calvin and Fiona fell from the ceiling. She whispered something in his ear, he nodded and suddenly Calvin was carrying Fiona on his shoulders.
"You can't beat our height advantage!" Fiona declared as she charged.
"Oh yea?" Ava said as she hopped on top of Everett's shoulders and charged them, resulting in what was basically an on land chicken fight.
The manager got excited and ordered some of the cameras to change angles. "We haven't seen anything this exciting since the Bavarian Disco maneuver in round nine!" he said excitedly.
"Oh, I loved the Bavarian Disco maneuver!" Yolanda said fondly
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Post by Toz76 on Nov 28, 2023 23:18:42 GMT -5
The battle raged on, but soon, Ava and Everett got the upper hand. Calvin and Fiona fell to the ground, defeated.
"We did it! We win!" Ava exclaimed, jumping down from Everett's shoulders and giving him a fist bump.
"I can't wait to choose my prize!" Everett said.
"Wait a minute..." Ava said suddenly. "We can't both win..."
Ava and Everett stared at each other sorrowfully for a moment, before both drawing pistols and aiming them at one another.
"Don't do this to me, pardner..." Ava said.
"I'm sorry, pardner, but this here prize room ain't big enough for the both of us."
Both squinted. A tumbleweed rolled past. A hawk cried overhead. The camera circled them.
Finally, two gunshots rang out at the same time.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jan 7, 2024 23:27:34 GMT -5
They both stood dramatically, panting as they waited for each other to fall over. But then in shock, Ava realized she hit the window behind Everett, and Everett realized he hit the light in the corner.
“How did we miss?!” They both said together.
“I’m getting that espresso machine; sorry Ava, but you leave me no choice” Everett said as he snapped his fingers and his lacky brought him… a set of bagpipes. In that moment Everett began to play some bagpipe classics, causing Ava to fall to the ground in agony while covering her ears
“SO ANNOYING!! MAKE IT STOP!!” She said on the ground
“Screw you! Bagpipe music is awesome!” Barnes and Calvin both said, as they began humming along to the music
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Post by Toz76 on Jan 8, 2024 18:37:23 GMT -5
"Just kidding," Ava said, standing back up. "I've got Scottish ancestry, do you really think bagpipes can stop me? Besides, there's far more annoying instruments! Behold: a seven year old playing hot cross buns on a recorder!"
A little boy popped up from behind Ava and began blowing into a blue plastic recorder. Everett visibly winced.
"Okay, that's pretty annoying, but- airhorn cover of Bohemian Rhapsody!"
BWAH-BWAH! BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAAH!
Ava covered her ears. "Well played, but can it beat: Thunder by Imagine Dragons?"
Everett's eyes widened in terror. "You wouldn't! That's basically a war crime!"
Calvin, Fiona, and Duncan also collapsed to the ground, visibly agonized.
"Haha! I win!" Ava said.
"Not so fast!" Said a voice.
Ava whirled to see Barnes, having freed himself from the ropes and was training his gun on Ava.
"Barnes? Why isn't the music affecting you?"
"I actually like this song!" Barnes said. "It's powering me up! Play some Maroon 5 next!"
Ava was baffled. Was Barnes just that basic? Or worse, neurotypical?
"It's fine," Ava said. "I have music that even you can't enjoy. Play Temporary Secretary by Paul McCartney!"
"Eh."
"Cbat!"
"Kinda catchy, honestly."
"Any Simple Plan song!"
"Okay, this is pretty awful, but it's just a bad song, it's not like it's gonna hurt me."
Duncan gasped. "He's immune to bad music? He's too powerful!"
"Way too powerful. This hurts us, too, you know!" Fiona complained.
Ava was running out of bad music and getting desperate.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jan 14, 2024 19:49:09 GMT -5
"Uh, uh... THE CHICKEN DANCE!" Ava declared as she began playing it.
"Gah! Why would you stoop so low?!" Duncan said in agony. "But can you survive COTTON EYE JOE!" he declared
"Well it is a standard at parties" Ava conceded
"The *remix" version?" Duncan clarified
"NOOO!!!" Ava said in shock.
Just then, Calvin got a notification on his phone, "Huh? Funniest joke ever... click the link..."
Just then, blasting on his phone, "We're no strangers to love..."
"GAAAHHH!!!!" All six of them screamed together
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Post by Toz76 on Jan 15, 2024 18:37:14 GMT -5
"Not so fast!" Duncan said. He procured a guitar from nowhere and began absolutely shredding.
"Awwww yeah!" Barnes said, pulling out a bass.
Fiona pulled out an entire drum kit from nowhere, Calvin pulled out a keyboard, and Everett procured another guitar. Finally, Ava stepped up to the mic and they performed an epic symphonic metal song about standoffs. I'm too lazy to write lyrics so I'll let Frank do it.
When the song ended, everyone on the camera crew clapped and cheered.
"Wait... what were we doing?" Everett asked, before Fiona chucked a drum at his head.
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