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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 27, 2024 22:29:13 GMT -5
Frank had awoken before everyone else, and was currently in the kitchen alone. As he got his breakfast together he put the news on and was surprised with what he saw.
”What? The incumbent mayor is not running for reelection despite his campaign over the last few months”. Frank said in disbelief. “But… but why? I mean, yea, he was a bit old, but he’s still better than the crazy one” Frank said (laugh track, applause)
”…and in accordance with New Chicago, Oregon Law, anyone above the age of 25 may run for office as long as they are a resident of the city and have been for at least 8 years” the newscaster was saying.
Frank thought about it, then nodded to himself. “You know what, in a city full of eccentrics and weirdos someone who’s actually responsible should really be in charge. And since I’m the only one around here who at least tries to act normal” Frank said, looking at the camera (laugh track) “guess it’s up to me to ensure this city gets a good mayor, and there’s only one way to do it!” Frank declared
……….
Tug, Toz and Eyes all got up while TGC slept in and as they turned on the news, suddenly they all looked shocked. There was Frank, in a suit, at a podium, giving a speech.
”my fellow citizens, my opponent wants to go about this city the wrong way! If you own 2 cows, he wants to take them away from you, and simply give you a set amount of milk each week! Why should you be stripped of the right to take care of your own cows! If you want to keep your cows, I say keep them! Or better yet, if you want to sell one and buy a bull, so you can grow a herd, then sell the herd and retire on the income, you should be allowed to do that too! So vote for me, and I’ll promise you, YOU get to decide if you want to buy that bull!” Frank said in a speech, as the assembled crowd cheered
“is it just me, or does this episode feel like it’s proceeding awfully fast?” Tug said with a raised eyebrow (laugh track)
”gotta be honest… he doesn’t look good in a suit, just doesn’t work for him” Eyes observed (laugh track)
”Hey… don’t we know that guy?” Toz asked, in a season 1 callback (laugh track, applause)
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Post by Eyes on Jul 27, 2024 23:11:57 GMT -5
Frank was campaigning all across the city. His only current opponent was Drake Maxwell, a former dentist turned politician who believed he knew how to solve plant and animal farming issues local to the community. Land was becoming a more precious commodity and as Drake owned several pieces of real estate, his goal was to protect his own land and bring the prices down on others. He was in the business of quality apartments, carefully constructed so as not to fall over unless leaned on incorrectly or blown by the breeze or having a piece of cheese fall from the hands of a mouse. An upstanding citizen was he.
Drake immediately hit Frank in his Achilles heel with his first carefully crafted attack ad.
"FRANK HATES CHOCOLATE!
That's right, the TRIVIA MAN him SELF is a hater of ALL things GOOD and PURE!"
*Cut to: Frank shouting loudly at a bar*
"I DISLIKE CHOCOLATE IMMENSELY!"
"Do YOU want EVIL Frank to STEAL your CHOCOLATE from YOU???
What's NEXT?
Your HOT WHEELS COLLECTION!>??"
This ad paid for by Drake Maxwell. Drake Maxwell approves this message.
Frank saw the ad on TV but didn't expect it to blow up as much as it did. Knocking on the door of an elderly woman, he had barely said "hello" before she was toting a shotgun, blasting marshmallows at his feet.
"AND DON'T YOU COME BACK, YOU YELLOW-BELLIED SCUM SUCKER!"
"I thought that was slang for a lawyer," said Frank. (laugh track)
That night, Frank noticed his friends acting strange. TGC kept eyeing the pantry, his eyes darting back and forth at Frank making sure he was still sitting calmly at the table. (laugh track)
Toz was baking something, a dark-brown cake by the looks and smell of it, but Frank couldn't see inside the oven because Toz was hutched down on the floor blocking it from view. Every small noise made her jilt her head in paranoia. Her eyes stared daggers at Frank. (laugh track)
Eyes was strapped to the ceiling in a Jesus Christ pose, protecting the attic from being opened. (laugh track)
Tug and Alberto were standing still but looked incredibly awkward, seemingly trying to protect their rears. Finally Tug whispered to Alberto, "Dude, I don't think hiding our M&Ms up our asses was a good idea after all."
"HEE HAW" (laugh track)
Frank had had enough. "Oh come on!" he cried. "They took that out of context! The bar was packed and I was trying to tell the bartender that I don't like chocolate in my drinks!"
"You LIE!" yelled Eyes. "LIE, CHEAT, AND STEAL! I cannot TOLERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--" And Eyes came crashing down, ripping the attic door off with her as the world's largest collection of chocolate boulders began to fill the apartment. (laugh track)
TGC looked at the damage. "Okay... maybe Frank has a point." (laugh track)
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 28, 2024 13:04:12 GMT -5
“Guys, with all the brownies and chocolate ice cream I’ve made over the years, what makes you think I didn’t like chocolate?” Frank asked with a raised eyebrow.
Tug, Alberto, Toz and TGC suddenly had collective realizations and a look of “oh yea” came over them (laugh track)
As for Eyes… “well, I’m still going to do something about this because it’s funny!” Eyes said as she darted out of the apartment.
It hadn’t even been a minute when the assembled crew realized that now Eyes too was wearing a suit and speaking to a crowd, on the news.
“My fellow citizens of New Chicago, Oregon, I may be a former Multi-trillionaire who lost his money in a series of bad investments… how was I supposed to know the Blockbuster revival would fail?” (Laugh track). “But I still know how to make money l, and I’m going ton impart my knowledge onto you! If you have two cows, the first step is: You sell your three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.
The next step is to then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four of your cows back, with a tax exemption for these five cows.
Then, you take the milk rights of the six cows and transfer them via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
Finally, have The annual report say your company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. This is how you get rich, and a vote for me will turn your two cows into 16!” Eyes finished as the assembled crowd cheered
“Yeah… that sounds super confusing” TGC said (laugh track)
“Can’t deny she’s attracting a crowd” Frank pointed out
“Hey… dont we know that guy?” Toz asked in confusion (laugh track)
“Why do you have such a problem identifying us on a screen?” Frank asked in confusion
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 30, 2024 1:41:24 GMT -5
"I have vision problems," Toz said.
"Yeah, which is why you wear glasses," TGC said. "Shouldn't that fix it?"
"Well, yeah, but I also wear my contacts, so... wait, that's it!" Toz suddenly bolted up and ran out of the apartment.
On the TV, Eyes was talking when she was shoved out of the way by Toz.
"Workers of New Chicago! My name is Toz Seventysix, and I am just like you, a worker who spends her days milking the bourgeoisie's cows! Why do you and I have no cows when people like Drake Maxwell own thousands of them? And why do we have to do the tedious task of milking them when he gets rich selling the milk? The value of our labor is being stolen from us! That's why I'm running for mayor! Under my governance, all cows will be owned in common by us, the people! From each according to their ability to milk, to each according to their dairy needs!"
"Of course she's trying to run as a communist mayor..." Tug muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Politicians in this town are really dedicated to cow metaphors," TGC noted.
"It's not a metaphor... this is a farming community..." Tug explained.
"No the [bleep] it's not!" TGC exclaimed. "Do you ever look out the window? It's nothing but apartment complexes, factories, and world-famous landmarks as far as the eye can see!" (laughtrack)
"Wait, now I'm confused," Frank said. "I drove by sixteen farms on my way to work." On the screen, Alberto had butted Toz out of the way and was braying into the microphone. The crowd booed and threw rotten food at him.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 30, 2024 7:05:46 GMT -5
(Good people! None of these twits are qualified to run for office! And Frank is to honest to make a decent politician… you mustn’t vote for any of these buffoons! I should know! I live with them! Vote third party! Vote third party!) The subtitles showed Alberto saying as he was forced to run off (laugh track) Frank took in what Toz said, but then remembered “well, it’s certainly a risk; after all communism doesn’t go over really well in the country” he pointed out (CUT TO: Toz’s campaign office, only six people are in the room with Toz) “Are… are you guys my only supporters right now?” Toz asked in confusion “The New Chicago branch of the Communist Party USA is happy to endorse you! Of course when you only have about 20,000 members in the country and you extrapolate that does mean there aren’t that many of us in New Chicago so…” their leader kinda shuffled awkwardly (laugh track) (Sorry Toz, you kinda walked right into this joke ) “It’s ok, it’s ok, everyone loves an underdog story. What are we running against?” Toz asked. One of the others turned on the television to see Frank talking “My fellow residents of New Chicago, I hear many of you complaining about the Nerf gun problem our city faces and the annoyances they cause. Well I am here today to tell you that the nerf guns are the distraction. Should we really be punishing the 99 percent of nerf gun owners who are responsible and use them safely over what the one percent who use them to cause annoyances do? But the other side is also wrong, we shouldn’t just do nothing and pass no reforms under the guise of preserving “our right to own and use a nerf gun”. When you vote for me, we will take action to target the root cause of the nerf gun annoyances in this city- the small group of nerf gun owners who commit the majority of nerf gun annoyances in this city. Join us and together, let’s crack down on irresponsible nerf gun ownership while ensuring those who use them safely and responsibly aren’t punished. After all, they aren’t mutually exclusive” Frank said, as the add came to an end “Curses! I should’ve known Frank would run a campaign based on logic and reason… damn you, power of the straight man!” Toz fumed as she threw her fist in the air (laugh track) “So… what’s your next move?” The leader among Toz’s volunteers asked
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Post by Eyes on Jul 30, 2024 11:08:17 GMT -5
Toz pondered the question, and in doing so triggered a flashback scene.
* * * * *
It was the last day before Christmas break, and Toz was sitting in her English class waiting for the bell to ring. It was being slow, as usual, and the teacher continued to drone on an on about how Romeo and Juliet's age gap was not problematic at all but in fact made absolute sense when you consider when females are at their most fertile. Toz had zoned out a long time ago. She was a round headed kid who cared little about books and would much rather be playing baseball with her friends, or flying a kite with her dog, or... she couldn't stop staring at the little red-haired girl sitting at the front of her class. Toz had wanted to ask her out for a long time but just couldn't bring herself to do so.
The clock came closer and closer to 3 P.M. Suddenly the teacher said, "Alright folks, with two minutes left before we go on holiday, I've got one more assignment for you. Each of you will have to read a book and write a report on it due the first day after break. You will all be reading a unique book, so here in this jar is a slip of paper with the title of a book on it. Whichever one you draw is the one that you will be reading. You can grab your slip as you leave the classroom, but I'll be making sure that each of you gets one."
The bell rang and the students began to leave their seats, grab their belongings, and snag a slip from the jar. Toz was getting her stuff when the little red-haired girl came over to her desk. "Hi Toz!"
Toz jumped. "H-h-hi, h-h-how are y-y-you doing?"
"I was just curious to hear about your Christmas plans!" said the little red-haired girl.
"W-w-well I'll probably sp-spend the time w-w-with my fa-family," replied Toz. "Alth-though my friend Linole-leum is throwing a N-N-New Year's Eve party..." Her heart started to pound as she saw her big chance. "S-s-s-say, w-would you like to c-c-come?"
The little red-haired girl smiled. "Sure, I'd love to!"
"Oh, g-great!" smiled Toz.
At this point they were at the jar. The little red-haired girl reached her hand in and pulled out a slip. "Ooh, Animal Farm! I guess that's like a picture book."
"Hey, cool," said Toz as she suavely reached her own hand in. "L-let's see w--"
Thunder crashed in her head. AC/DC's "Hells Bells" began playing. Her face grew pale.
"Are you okay...?" asked the little red-haired girl.
"Y-y-yeah, I'm f-fine," said Toz.
She said nothing as she left the school, not even registering the little red-haired girl waving goodbye to her as she walked away. She knew that her fate had been sealed. She walked to the town library with dread in her feet. Every step shook her whole body as though she were one step closer to the gallows pole. Somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright; the band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. But as Toz opened the door to the library and timidly asked the librarian for directions, she felt only heaviness in her own heart. She crept up stairs and made her way to the very back of the library, to the section labeled "Political Philosophy". She looked up at the shelves towering above her. There, at the very top, was the largest book she had ever laid her eyes on. Its spine was so wide that even yo mama looked small in comparison. Toz gulped as she read the title of the work prominently written there on the side:
"DAS KAPITAL."
This was it. This was her Moby Dick, her white whale. And Toz would have to conquer all three volumes before returning from winter break.
The rest of the holiday was a blur to her. As soon as she held the book in her hands and figured out a way to avoid being crushed under its weight, there was nothing she could do but start from the beginning and work her way through.
"The wealth of those societies in which the capitalist mode of production prevails, presents itself as 'an immense accumulation of commodities,' its unit being a single commodity. Our investigation must therefore begin with the analysis of a commodity."
Christmas came and went and Toz hardly touched neither her gifts nor her figgy pudding. She was still reading the book on Christmas eve, perched on the handing seat attached to Linoleum's porch. The little red-haired girl came to see if Toz would like to dance before the ball dropped, but could not break the round headed kid's focus and sadly walked back into the party all alone.
Toz stayed up all night writing her report and turned it in first thing when she entered class the next day. The teacher stared at the massive mountain of paper that he was going to have to grade. "Well, thank you for your promptness, Toz," he said. "Alright class, please pass all the other book reports to me now."
There was a silence that befell the room. After a moment the teacher asked quizzically, "Did no one else do a book report?"
There were uncomfortable nods as the rest of the class admitted their crime and the teacher began jotting every name but one down on the detention list.
From that day forward, Toz was a different person entirely. She had unlocked the answers of the universe and now knew her duty to the world lay in the words of Karl Marx. When she got her report back, the teacher had given her an F with the caption of "Commie gobbledygook". Toz took this as a badge of pride. She had been reborn. She had become an atheist. She had become an anarchist. And worst of all, she had transed her gender. All because of one book report over winter break.
In the background, the figure of the little red-haired girl, her face saddened by loss, grew smaller and smaller till you couldn't see her anymore. But which of them was the one that got away...
* * * * *
Toz's campaign manager clapped her hands. "Come on," she said, "let's figure out our next move, Toz!"
Toz came to with a start. "I know what I've got to do," she said. Her manager waited with baited breath as Toz declared: "I need to find the little red-haired girl!" (laugh track)
Frank and Tug were surprised to see the news that night announcing that Toz was dropping out of the race. "Dang, I didn't expect things to go so poorly for her," said Frank, "even if her streak of red is a bit much in my view."
"Hee-haw!" brayed Alberto. The subtitles underneath read: "TRAITORS TO CAPITALISM MUST BE VISCIOUSLY DESTROYED NO MATTER THE COST!" (laugh track)
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 30, 2024 14:57:49 GMT -5
"Er, sorry, my campaign manager misspoke," Toz said. "What he meant to say was, I am not dropping out of the race! In fact, let me respond to Frank's recent statements about NERF guns. You see, true freedom will not be attained through peaceful, bloodless transfer of power! Under my mayorship, every worker will have a NERF gun! We will arm the proletariat and storm the gates of capital, seizing the means of production for ourselves! I want to see us turn the steps of Waldtech red! Red with blood! Red for communism! Red like the color of her hair..." and Toz suddenly broke down crying.
"Well, that was weird," Eyes said.
"Hey, I work at Waldtech!" Frank protested.
Meanwhile, Tug and TGC were going for a drive.
"See, Tug? Nothing but factories and apartments. This isn't a farming town!"
"Okay, take a left here..." Tug said.
TGC turned the corner, and suddenly there was nothing but fields of cattle as far as the eye could see.
"What the hell?? Where did all the buildings go? Taipei 101 should be right there! How can we not see any of the city?"
"What city? I told you, this is a farming town..."
"Ugh, this city just gets more impossible and reality warping every episode," TGC griped. "The mayor should do something about that... wait, that's it! I'll run for mayor on a platform of Making New Chicago Normal Again!"
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 30, 2024 15:10:18 GMT -5
And Tug then started fuming, “there’s no way in hell I’ll accept you as mayor! If running will keep you out of power, so be it!” Tug declared
……
A crowd had assembled around TGC, who was giving a speech
“I’m telling you everyone, something is really off about this city and it’s messing with our sensibilities! A farming area of town that is only seen when viewed from a certain angle, random world landmarks that all so happen to be in the same city, FREAKING BUSHES THAT CAN CUSHION A 120 FOOT FALL?!?! There is something really wrong with this city, and a vote for me is a vote for a return to normalcy!” TGC said as the crowd cheered
And as for Tug:
“… well I suppose Frank is ok, but everyone is crazy, you have to admit. And as an accountant I know how to balance budgets so a vote for me, and I promise you this city will never have an unbalanced budget again!” Tug said as his crowd cheered
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 30, 2024 15:21:05 GMT -5
"Wait a minute!" Drake Maxwell said. "You need to be a resident of New Chicago for at least 7 years to run for mayor! I say all five of these bozos are illegitimate!"
(dramatic music as we cut to commercial)
(fade back in)
"And as you can see, your honor, the first post in the sitcom was in 2016, more than 8 years ago, proving that we have residency in this city," Frank said.
"But... but... how come Toz spent her entire childhood in Washington, is only 22, but somehow lived here eight years?" Drake Maxwell protested.
"Don't worry about it," Toz said.
"I have proof she attended a college in Washington State, very far from the Washington-Oregon Border, until June of this year! How on earth did she make that commute every day for four years?"
"Oh, I get it now," Toz said. "You're mixing up "real us" with "sitcom us". Easy mistake to make, no hard feelings."
"Yeah, the real me would never live in a liberal hellhole like Oregon..." Tug said (laughtrack)
Anyway, with that diversion dealt with, the five guys who like burgers and fries hit the campaign trail.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 30, 2024 16:30:27 GMT -5
Frank was sitting in for an interview for the local morning news “… and what makes you think you’re the best man for the job?” The anchor asked “Well just look at my competition; I mean sure, Tug is an accountant, but Toz is a pothead!” Frank exclaimed (Cut to: Toz at a podium, giving a campaign speech, wearing a giant pot covering her head. She is flanked on either side by by people wearing either colanders or pots on their head “A…I…pr…ca…dor……spa…” but because the pot was covering her head, all people heard was unintelligible, garbled noise. “We can’t hear you!” Someone said. Finally, Toz lifted her pot just a bit so her mouth was visible, “oh, sorry, am a pothead after all. Anyway, I am proud to announce that I have received a major endorsement from the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” Toz declared (laugh track, applause) (Bet you didn’t see that coming . Sorry folks, gotta save the drug jokes for the very special episode)
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Post by Toz76 on Aug 4, 2024 23:11:03 GMT -5
*Local news music plays*
"Welcome back to the 6:37 news. Things are heating up in the race for New Chicago's new Mayor, with six competitors entering the race. Frontrunner Derek Maxwell leads the polls with 31 percent of votes according to our latest poll, but newcomer Frank Thetriviaman is hot on his heels with 29 percent. One Thousand Eyes is in third, taking 17 percent of the vote. Toz Seventysix has 13 percent, and Tug Boatfanfourfour and TGC Smith are at 5% each. But with the debate only a couple weeks away, there's still plenty of time for those numbers to change."
*Cut to a montage of the five knocking on doors, kissing babies, giving speeches, and generally being all political*
*Cut to the five eating dinner together*
"My fellow Americans, the voting public is sick of ordering Chinese takeout three times a week. America wants more options," Tug said.
"My opponent wants to take away your right to have orange chicken for dinner!" Eyes protested.
"Is Tug's latest campaign secretly an attack against New Chicago's Asian-American Community?" Toz asked.
"As your mayor, I would support the diner's right to choose what to eat and where," Frank said.
"Guys, can we stop talking in campaign lingo for ten minutes and just enjoy dinner?" TGC asked.
"Oh, right, sorry." *laughtrack*
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Aug 4, 2024 23:44:28 GMT -5
“Well, you guys are in for a rude awakening; for you see, I’ve just received some major campaign endorsements!” Eyes said proudly
“Really? Who?” Frank asked
“From the Coalition for Repairing Evergreen Engineering Projects, the Golden Euphoria Energy Keepers and the North Eastern Railers and Drones Society!” She declared
“Right… because who wants a campaign with NERDS, GEEKs and CREEPs” Tug said with rolled eyes (laugh track)
“Big whoop! I’ve been endorsed by the Southern Temple Alliance for Learning Intelligence and Nature, the League of Entertaining Norsemen and Indigenous Norwegians, and the Truck, Rover, Omnibus, Tractor, and Seaplane Keepers of Yarandusa for my campaign!” Toz declared
“Of course a communist campaign would involve LENIN, STALIN and TROTSKY” Frank deadpanned (laugh track)
“Damn, and all i have is the Darnell Ulysses Miriam Brotherhood for Life, Understanding, Compassion and Kinship” TGC said
“I don’t know, you could still win with DUMB LUCK” Frank pointed out (laugh track)
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Aug 11, 2024 7:12:40 GMT -5
Dinner was civilized, but there was still another party at play after all.
Maxwell was looking over the polling and tried to think about which candidate would be the easiest to discredit. Then he looked at Toz, and got a sinister grin “time to obliterate her campaign.and I know just how to do it” he said with a grin.
……
(Five days later)
“It’s not looking good ma’am, your poll numbers have been slipping” her campaign manager said
“What? Why?” Toz asked
“Guys! Look in the news!” One of the volunteers declared as those assembled in Toz’s campaign office came around the TV
“And in Derek Maxwell’s latest promotional stunt, he has opened up the “communist grocery store” and “communist restaurant” to showcase what would happen if Mayoral candidate Toz were to win” the news first cut to the grocery store
“In the grocery store, we sell aisles of familiar products, but something is off. There are no brand names and no premium brands. Everything is just the same” the announcer said over shots of the aisles
“In communist society all get the same and all are equal. Government controls the means of production” an employee explains as she escorts them around the store explaining things “with no capitalism or competition there is no need or desire to innovate. Everyone just gets the same” she continued
“So if I want ketchup, no Hunts or Heinz? Or any of the premium organic brands?” The newscaster asked
“Nope. You only get government approved standard ketchup, same as everyone” employee said, holding up a very generic looking bottle
“And orange juice? So no Tropicana, Florida’s Natural or Simply Orange? Or all the varieties?” The newscaster asked
“Correct, only government approved orange juice, since they control means of production, government controls the orange groves. Only choice you make is pulp or no pulp”
“Coca cola? Pepsi?” The news caster asked
“Government controls production of soda, only government approved soda, in many flavors, so everyone gets same choices”the employee explained
“And it’s all the same no matter where you go; it’s almost like a parallel world; no recognizable brands, just one option for everything from crackers to meat to fruit, because in communism everyone gets equal and same” the newscaster said
“Well they’ve lost my vote, I need gluten free and who are they to decide what I want to get? If I want better meat, I want better meat!” A customer said in an interview shot
“And over at the communist restaurant, it’s more of the same”
“So… can I get a burger without pickle and lettuce?” Someone asked
“All burgers are served the same way here, everyone gets equal after all. No substitutions or changes allowed” the employee explained
“In our communist society there are no fancy restaurants or fast food restaurants because government controls means of production, including construction of restaurants. Since everyone gets the same. There is only one restaurant and all food preparation is mandated by standard way to ensure everyone gets the same” the restaurant manager said in an interview shot
“Uh, may I have my steak a little more well?” A customer asked
“All steaks are to be prepared medium to ensure all get equal steak treatment” the employee replied
“This coffee tastes weak, so you have anything stronger?” A customer asked
“Government controls the production of coffee and standardizing of recipe, everyone gets the same coffee” an employee replied
“And there you have it folks, Maxwell showing us a glimpse of what communist society would look like if Toz were to win, back to you!”
Toz’s jaw dropped as she looked at the screen, amazed with how far Maxwell would go to discredit her campaign
“Uh…uh…uh…” was all she could say as she couldn’t get words out
(Screen pauses, Frank walks in front of it)
“Yea, this went on for about half an hour, so we’ll just cut to the part where she makes her plan to strike back” Frank said as he pulled out a remote, hilt fast forward, then walked off screen.
Toz finally got out of her stupor and declared “get me a phone, we’re going on the offensive!” She declared
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Post by Toz76 on Aug 11, 2024 10:05:17 GMT -5
"Hey, script supervisor," Toz said, "I was under the impression that I was supposed to be portraying an exaggerated caricature of communism in this episode, but I suddenly feel compelled to present a serious and detailed counterargument to Maxwell's even dumber caricature. Like, it's "too each according to their needs", right, it's not "everyone gets the same", so like, there would still be gluten free options under communism. And like, do we really need seventeen brands of orange juice? Juice is juice. And the myth that communism kills innovation is so stupid, like, communists put the first man in space! And have you ever taken a highway exit? In any American town, it's the same few things, the same few gas stations, the same few fast food joints, to the point that every town looks identical and local restaurants and stores are pushed to the side. Communism didn't make every town identical, that was capitalism! And the idea that a communist restaurant wouldn't let you modify a burger... that's just so ridiculous it's not even worth engaging with. Like, what if I did like a "capitalist grocery store" where the bit was like, baby formula is locked up because the store would rather inconvenience every customer than risk losing a few dollars from shoplifting, and all the milk is days old because it's been flown in from across the country rather than produced locally, and that's not even getting into the recent headlines about grocery stores instituting surge pricing to jack up prices in real time, which you just know is gonna get used on water during a heatwave. Like, I know that this is a comedy and we're supposed to be silly, but do you know how many real restaurants under capitalism have "no substitution" rules? Who gives a shit if the government controls the orange groves, they control the police and the fire department and no one complains about that! And that's not even getting into the massive human cost and exploitation of poor people and workers in the global south that is required for capitalism to function as is, how the rich keep getting richer and convincing the proletariat that this is the best system humans have ever come up with while millions die destitute so a few thousand can have private jets and-"
"Take the shot."
A loud bang was heard and Toz suddenly collapsed.
"Sorry about that, everyone," said a police officer, holding a smoking gun. "We finally bagged that pinko scumbag. Her dangerous propaganda can do no more harm. Remember, folks, don't google "wage theft", just keep working hard!"
Cut back to the apartment, where the five are still standing around, but Toz is now conspicuously played by a different actress wearing a ushanka and speaking with an exaggerated, obviously fake Russian accent. (laughtrack)
"Alright, comrades, let us run in bogus American election. I promise not to interfere! Wink!"
"Oh, Toz!" Frank said. (massive laughter and applause)
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Aug 11, 2024 10:47:28 GMT -5
“Ok, that’s enough; now let’s get this story back on track” Frank said as he took out… the universal remote! (Applause)
“Now, just go back a couple scenes and…” Franks said
……
“And in conclusion, communism does have flaws, but so does capitalism. To say communism is bad while relying only on 50s propaganda ignores lots of nuance and fundamentally undercuts our rights to free speech. If you don’t like capitalism, that’s fine. If you don’t like communism, that’s fine. Just remember that if you’re going to argue against communism, focus on *actual* problems and make arguments of substance. Because if you’re relying on misinformation to win the argument, you’ve already lost the argument”
(Applause)
The people about to shoot Toz stop when they realize that tired old propaganda was not the way to go
“Don’t worry folks, my job is contractually guaranteed for the next five years, they can’t get rid of me that easily” Toz said, holding up papers and winking.
“That’s right… wait, you have FIVE years?!” Frank said in shock, before looking at the table at a script that says “the day Frank died and was replaced by Cousin Harold”
Frank gulped at what he thought was going to be the season finale this time
(Quick cut- Frank’s campaign office)
“Ok, so I can’t agree with Maxwell’s attack strategy so I’m going to use a classier approach- confronting people with the hard, historical truth. Which is why I have enlisted the help of former residents of East Germany to help argue our cause is better” Frank explained
(Three older men and two older women are sitting in chairs, nodding their affirmation)
“Even if we had free health care and education, it did not change how quality of life in West Germany was better” one of the old women said
“I was one of about 5,000 who risked his life to cross the Berlin Wall, and I succeeded. It was like night and day, I had a better life when I made it to West Berlin” one of the old men said
“See everyone” Frank said, looking at the camera “THIS is how you argue, but respectfully. You don’t need propaganda or exaggeration- just historical truth. I will respect Toz’s views, I just don’t think they are in our best interests. She thinks differently but that’s ok… that’s how free speech works. And it would be nice if EVERYONE remembered that” Frank said (applause from the audience)
“Anyway, now onto the plot” Frank said, realizing this was getting a bit too far
“Ok, that’s our strategy against Toz, what about Eyes?” Frank asked
“Well. We couldn’t come up with any ideas so we used this AI program to come up with a strategy” one of Franks volunteers said
“Well, the technology has been improving, what did it come up with?” Frank asked as it looked at the paper
“To defeat the Eyes, you must rely on the mustard. Mustard is spicy and tingly and will irritate the Eyes and render them blind for a long while. You could also try jabbing the eyes and…” Frank said (laugh track)
“THIS is supposed to be the next big thing?” Frank said in confusion (laugh track, applause)
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Post by Toz76 on Aug 11, 2024 11:06:00 GMT -5
"Oh look, Maxwell has released his newest attack ad!" Said one of the aides.
"He says he's an accountant, but no accounting firms in the city have an employee with his name. He calls himself "Tug", but we all know that "Tug" is just a crude euphemism for male masturbation! And he hangs around with a cross-dressing donkey!"
(cut to reused footage from the season 1 Christmas episode with Alberto in a dress, except it's black and white and EXPOSED is stamped over it in big red letters)
"Tug is a deviant with no real plan for this city. He's never even used a convoluted cow metaphor! Don't vote for him. Vote for me, Drake Maxwell."
"Why make an attack ad on Tug? Even TGC is beating him in the polls somehow, and he's been dealing with that scandal over his controversial TikToks." Frank wondered aloud.
"Who cares, this is an opportunity! Let's get Tug to drop out and endorse us!" Frank's aide said.
"And Tug isn't a fake name or a euphemism for... that. It's short for Tugboatfan4444, which is a perfectly normal name for a person to have!"
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Oct 7, 2024 23:33:04 GMT -5
“Well, if we get Tug to drop out it would be a good ally for us. But we better make sure that my image is nice and clean before anyone tries to slander me!” Frank pointed out.
……
As Frank got an idea in motion, Eyes found herself dropping substantially in the polls.
“I don’t get it? Our branding should have totally won everyone over!” Eyes pointed out.
“Well to be fair ma’am, you did call us the Big Brother Party” her aide explained (small laugh track)
“Yes; to convey the image of being lead by a warm, loving family member you could trust” Eyes explained (laugh track)
“But then you tied it to our new slogan” the other aide continued
“Indeed; to convey my commitment to hands on work in every aspect of society! I will not convey the image of a woman locked up in her office all day!” Eyes boasted proudly
“Yes, but did you have to phrase it as “a vote for me is a vote to have Eyes all over the city, vote Big Brother this November” of all things you could have said?” This aide said, concerned (loudest laugh track, applause)
“Well, what are our opponents running?” Eyes asked, she pulled up a generic social media app that was copyright friendly and gasped when he saw the ad… Frank happily playing with over a dozen kittens who were showing him affection, and there was the caption: “If kittens trust Frank, you can to! Vote for the Common sense and Logic party this November!” (“Awww” like you saw something cute sound effect is heard)
“Curse you Frank! Utilizing the awesome power of cats on the internet to your advantage” Eyes declared dramatically (laugh track)
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Post by Toz76 on Oct 8, 2024 10:38:59 GMT -5
The day of the first debate came, and the seven candidates took the stage. Toz, Tug, Alberto, TGC, Frank, Eyes, and Drake Maxwell all eyed each other nervously.
"Alright, folks, welcome to the New Chicago Mayoral Town Hall Debate. Our first question is for Alberto. Why should the voting public choose you?"
(45 seconds of uninterrupted donkey sounds)
(cut to the debate moderators tearing up)
"That was... that was beautiful, Alberto, thank you." (laughtrack)
"Our second question is for TGC. Many people are asking about Pokémon-"
"No!" (laughtrack)
"Mister TGC, if you could let us finish the question..."
"No, that part of my life is behind me! I'm done with Pokémon! I've seen enough Pokémon for one lifetime! You jackals need to leave me alone and not pester me about it! I don't even like Pokémon!"
"I don't get it," Frank whispered to Tug.
"Me either..."
"The next question is for you, Tug. Why do you never post anymore?"
There was a long pause as Tug cleared his throat, brushed some nonexistent dust off his suit, and leaned into the mic.
"Because I get bitches."
(canned laughter, applause, Tug is swarmed by scantily clad women)
"Excellent answer. We're going to take a break, but when we come back, we have a list of things Eyes is not allowed to do and a question about Drake Maxwell's ties to the French Cartel."
"Wait, what?" Eyes asked. "Cartel ties seem like a big deal."
"Those damn baguette-eaters... come on, Alberto, it's time to finish the job..." Tug pulled out a pistol and slunk backstage (laughtrack)
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Oct 8, 2024 23:59:26 GMT -5
But the set where the dramatic shootout was supposed to take place wasn’t completed in time for filming, so we just returned to the debate.
“And we’re back. Our next question is for Toz: it is rumored that you speak in spoonerisms when anxious; do you intend to keep your cool tonight?” The moderator asked
“Oh, absolutely. That only happens when I’m nerdy vervous so I’m cot noncerned at about denight’s tobate” Toz said with a nervous laugh before going wide eyed in realization (laugh track)
“Ok, and now onto Frank- it’s well known that you have hovered between first and second place in the polls, as your emphasis on leading with polices based on logic and reason has appealed to the majority of citizens of New Chicago” the moderator began
“Indeed, it’s about time rationality returned to the mayor’s office” Frank declared (applause)
“I see. Well then care to explain why such a logical man would LOVE FAST FOOD?!” The moderator said
(Gasps followed by dramatic music sting, Frank looks nervous)
“I… I don’t see how that’s relevant” Frank said as a nervous sweat began
“Don’t play dumb! A truly logical person would know there’s no real benefits to eating fast food, and always eat healthy for that is the logical thing to do. So why have you been seen in fast food places all over the city??” The moderator pressed.
“All right! I admit it! I LOVE burgers! And fried chicken and Mexican and Pizza and whatever else there is! I’m sorry, but I enjoy food and sometimes a guy needs a break from eating the same things all the time!” Frank said as he held up a five guys burger and began to eat it while crying (laugh track)
“ANYWAY, now it’s Eyes’ turn to be viciously torn down” the moderator said, staring at her. “Care to explain why you’re not allowed to do so, so many things yet you think you’re fit to be mayor?” The moderator asked
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