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Post by frankthetriviaman on Jul 19, 2023 19:12:04 GMT -5
In this world, there are two kinds of people, the ones who seek to speak what's on their mind, and those who want them to say it a certain way. The latter kind mean well... but ultimately come across as jerks. This is a story of the latter kind
LAW AND ORDER "DUN DUN"
(SCENE: A police briefing room, a superior is briefing the rest on their assignments for the day)
"...and in conclusion the Department of Linguistics has decided that given its commonplace usage in African American vernacular, and the fact that is follows the structure of possessive plus self as seen in herself and yourself, "hisself" is in fact, a grammatically correct word and we are to no longer enforce the Nonreal Word Clause against those who say it" Lieutenant Warbler said. Collectively, there was a sign of relief in the room.
"Thank goodness! I was getting so annoyed with that one" Officer Smythe said in relief
"Seriously, I was wasting too much time on that one, it makes sense to me" Officer Duncan said in agreement.
"This is ridiculous! Himself is clearly the correct singular reflexive pronoun!" Officer Jarvis said in anger.
"Save it Jarvis! Just accept it follows the structure and move on; wouldn't you rather catch someone for run on sentences anyway?" Officer Mallory said
"But it just doesn't sound right! Isn't the point of our job to ensure proper word usage and guarantee proper sentence formation!?" Officer Jarvis said, still fuming from the sudden policy change
"Just give it a rest; at any rate this will save me a lot of trouble in my neck of the woods; now I can focus on the split infinitive and dangling participle problem in my district" Officer Brannan said in relief.
"Does this mean I no longer have to enforce "Y'all" usage anymore?" Officer Duncan said with hope.
"The jury is still out on that one I'm afraid; but after this ruling I have reason to be hopeful" Lieutenant Warbler assured.
"Well tell them to hurry up on it then! For crying out loud my district covers Mississippi AND Alabama! Do you have ANY idea how frustrating it is that I have to waste my time on "Nonreal Word Enforcement" when I could be focusing on sentence structural issues that ACTUALLY effect clarity of communication?!" Officer Duncan said in absolute frustration.
"You're preaching to the Choir Duncan; if you ask me Y'all makes sense for a second person plural pronoun, which Standard English otherwise lacks" Lieutenant Warbler assured.
"Oh come on! Southern English is so problematic it's not even funny! Do you have ANY idea how bad the deviation from standard grammar structure is down there. And don't even get me started on when I was stationed in Southern Louisiana... stupid Cajun speakers..." Officer Jarvis grumbled, clearly not happy with the way language was going.
"If you don't like it you're free to leave, no one's forcing you to stay on the job" Officer Francis pointed out.
"I need 2 more years before the pension kicks in; if I have to stay I may as well do the job I signed up for" Officer Jarvis argued.
"But if you're able to ignore the guppies and focus on the sharks, what's so wrong about that?" Officer Duncan stated. Officer Jarvis pouted as he crossed his arms, grumbled something about the "Integrity of the institution" before looking at the Lieutenant again.
"ANYWAY" Lieutenant Warbler said, "last note before patrol begins... The Department of Linguistics would like to remind everyone that "Ain't" is in fact a proper contraction of "Am not" and enforcement should be focused specifically on misuse in a structural context. So "I ain't going to the party" is acceptable while "She ain't listening" is not acceptable, because "she am not listening" is not a correct sentence. Ladies and gentlemen, that's it for today's notes. Now everyone, let's remember our motto before we go" Lieutenant Warbler said as the officers prepared to leave.
"We aren't jerks; we just want everyone to be able to understand each other, and believe a common standard will solve that problem" Everyone said in unison.
"Excellent; dismissed!" Warbler said as he picked up his coffee before returning to his office.
The officers prepared to leave as they began discussing where they would be starting their patrols.
"Well, I'm off to a grocery store in Louisville, Kentucky- Countable Nouns clause violation; "10 items or less" signs on the express lanes; for crying out loud its "10 items or fewer" people!" Jarvis said passionately.
"And I'm off to a Star Trek convention in Houston; I don't care how iconic the line is, it's still a split infinitive" officer Mallory declared.
"I'm off to scope out some social media obsessed college students in Portland, Oregon. Strong and excessive usage of "Defriend" and "ghosted" and variants thereof" Officer Smythe explained.
"Well, good luck with that, I'm off too..." and Officer Duncan sighed in complete frustration, "stop the usage of Y'all" at a family reunion in Jackson, Mississippi" Officer Duncan sighed, grumbling at how he couldn't understand what was going on in the Department of Linguistics. "If hisself is valid African American vernacular then Y'all is clearly valid Southern vernacular" he grumbled.
.........
At a grocery store in Louisville a store manager was looking over everything and making sure his customers were having a pleasant experience, when suddenly... a man came in, wearing the most unusual police outfit he had ever seen, holding a series of signs.
"Can I help you?" The manager said to this unusual customer.
"Are you the manager of this establishment?" Officer Jarvis asked.
"Yes; is there a problem?" The manager asked.
"Indeed there is one!" Jarvis said with much gusto. "You are in violation of the Countable nouns clause, and I am here to rectify the situation" He said, holding up the signs that said "10 items or fewer" to show the manager. "For you see, I am here to resolve the situation" Jarvis assured.
"I... already have signs that say "10 items or less" so I don't understand what the difference is; what exactly are you here for?” the manager said, confused at the situation unfolding before him.
"First of all... I'm going to have to write you up now for ending a sentence with a preposition" Jarvis said sternly. "Secondly, its quite simple: you see, "Items" is what is called a countable noun, so what that means is..." And Jarvis began a long monologue; now THIS was why he joined the force, he thought to himself.
...... In Portland, Oregon, Smythe was scoping out the college students when he heard the words he was looking for, and moved in.
"Good afternoon, citizens. I'm sorry to bother you on this fine day, but I must bring to your attention that you have violated the Nonreal Word Clause. You see, "ghost" is not a verb, it is a noun. Therefore, "Ghosted" and "ghosting" are not words and your use of them is most confusing to those around you. I would suggest alternatives such as..." and the group of college students looked on with raised eyebrows as this man continued to lecture them on how "Ghosted" was not a word, and therefore should not be used
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 20, 2023 16:05:33 GMT -5
The group of five college students, who had just been sitting around a picnic table gossiping about their dating lives, were baffled and confused. Before them stood a man in something adjacent to a police uniform. It was a powder blue, with little pins around the collar shaped like various punctuation marks: a comma, a semi-colon, an em-dash. In a pouch on his stomach an Oxford English Dictionary was holstered, ready to be whipped out if anyone pulled a contraction on him. On his chest was this badge: And on his hip was a standard issue pistol, because even the Grammar Police sometimes need to use lethal force on civilians. The college students stared for a second, and then burst out laughing. "Is this a bit? Did you make this costume yourself?" One asked. "It's not a costume, it's a uniform..." Smythe protested. "God, what a pathetic waste of time, dude. Get a life," said another. "Hey, officer! Imma be lookin' on fleek tonight! Take me in!" "Actually, the habitual 'be' is now considered legal as a feature of African American Vernacular English. However, "imma" is considered an invalid contraction and "fleek" is another violation of the Nonreal Word Clause, so I will have to write you up." "Gonna! Gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna!" Shouted the first student. "Look out! I might split an infinitive!" Joked another student. The group cackled with glee. Someone threw a tomato at him. It splatted all over his chest. Smythe sighed. He was used to this reaction. "C'mon, guys, we're gonna miss the train back to the dorm," someone said at last. They got up to leave, with Smythe ineffectually shouting about "c'mon" being invalid English after them. ***** "I just get no respect," Smythe complained in the Grammar Police Break Room when he got back. "I know the feeling," Officer Mallory replied. "Oh, it's 'iconic', so it's okay that they say 'to boldly go' instead of 'to go boldly'. Ridiculous." Just then, Officer Jarvis walked in, whistling cheerfully. "Afternoon, gents," he said, pouring himself another cup of coffee. "Another successful mission." "Did you replace those checkstand signs?" Mallory asked. "Indeed I did! And, I got to deliver a lecture on countable nouns before a rapt audience. The people of Louisville will think twice before mixing up 'less' and 'fewer' again!" Smythe rolled his eyes. Jarvis had been in the force longer than anyone, apparently motivated by a dangling participle incident in his youth, and was a bit old-fashioned. Even the most rigid grammar cop needs to acknowledge that language evolves over time as generations alter the language to suit the needs of their time, but Smythe wanted the language frozen in his baby-boomer sensibilities forever. "Hang on a second, shouldn't Duncan be back by now?" Mallory asked. "Yes, he should be, you're correct," Jarvis said. "I hope those southerners aren't giving him too much trouble..." ***** Duncan arrived at a large house at the edge of some forest. The smell of barbecue floated over on the breeze and Duncan felt his stomach rumble. A sweet old lady was talking with her grandkids when Duncan approached the backyard. "Y'all remember now, eat some veggies too, okay?" "Excuse me, ma'am." Duncan displayed his badge. "Officer Duncan, Grammar Police. My body cam is on and recording this interaction. You've been using the improper-" "Ah, officer! Thank you for your service, dearie. Would y'all like some ribs?" Duncan knew he should cite her for another improper contraction, but then he eyed the juicy-looking, sumptuous ribs and his stomach growled again. "You know what? I'd love some ribs." He accepted a plate and began to chow down. It was incredible, a burst of flavor and sensation on his tongue. "Y'all are too kind," he said, wiping barbeque sauce from his chin.
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Post by Biblically Accurate Angel on Jul 20, 2023 19:28:46 GMT -5
At the very moment that Duncan said the unlawful contraction "y'all", alarm bells began ringing through the Grammar Police Headquarters. The three officers in the break room all turned their heads at the noise, and then over the loud speakers came:
"All officers are to report to the briefing room for an emergency briefing."
The officers on duty all crowded into the briefing room as Lieutenant Warbler threw a binder on the podium and double-checked his emergency procedure notebooks.
"All right, listen up, everyone," he said, waving his hands to silence the crowd. "We have an emergency on our hands. One of our own members has gone rogue."
There were gasps among the audience. 'Going rogue' was a term that originated from elephant behavior, and had been first regarded as an accepted phrase in 1963, but never before had it been used in the Grammar Police Headquarters. This was serious.
A projector illuminated a moving picture with audio on the screen ('video' being an incredibly disgusting mainstream media attempt to smash Latin together with English and therefore highly illegal). Officer Duncan's body cam footage was being beamed in front of the audience.
"Y'all are too kind," he was saying. There he was, smiling, eating ribs, having a good time. It was incensing.
"What a motherfucker!" exploded Officer Rupert.
"Watch your language, young man!" yapped Officer Jarvis.
"Shut up, Jarvy, you know the Profane Language Amendment of 1997 permit my usage of profane and blasphemous words when otherwise constructed in a grammatically correct manner."
Jarvis knew he had a point, and grumpily turned back around to focus his anger on Duncan. That... that... fudger. Jarvis spent years surviving on nothing but cheese and crackers, and here was his younger colleague not only abusing the system, but eating ribs at that! Ribs! It was as though Jarvis was Adam, and Duncan was God, and God had just stolen one of Adam's ribs to create Eve.
Well, nice try, God, thought Jarvis. You made just one mistake, though.
Adam is going to murder Eve.
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 21, 2023 1:23:47 GMT -5
No one would have expected Duncan to defect. He'd been a loyal soldier in the grammar war for a while now. He'd arrested a gang of loanword smugglers trying to legitimize "mijo" as an English word, detained dozens of teens for using the suffix "-ussy", and personally took point on the "misunderestimated" investigation that went all the way to the White House. But now, here he was, fraternizing with criminals, casually dropping invalid contractions.
"It may seem innocent enough," Jarvis's father had told him when he was young. "There's no harm in just a little "ain't" between friends. But soon enough, you're doing it all the time. It's a slippery slope. Occasional bending of the rules becomes constant breaking of the rules, and soon the English language degenerates into anarchy."
Jarvis had grown up certain of this knowledge, and it was the moral code he now lived by.
To catch a rogue cop, you need to think like a rogue cop. Jarvis donned a bullet-proof vest, grabbed his guns, and headed out the door. He hopped into a squad car (just a Volkswagen Beetle painted white with some LED lights and an airhorn glued to the top, they couldn't afford real sirens), and started the engine.
His mind flashed back to his old partner, Officer Vance. Vance had defected in the nineties during the ebonics debate, claiming that "this whole thing is stupid, as long as you can understand the other person, who cares if they get something wrong, especially if they're just learning the language". Jarvis had been forced to track Vance to a Chinese restaurant in San Fransisco, where a waitress was taking his order in broken english and he wasn't even correcting her, the monster! Jarvis had waited until Vance had finished his meal, then confronted him out in the open. A gunfight ensued, but luckily, Vance was unarmed. Jarvis had fired off a shot, which went wide and hit either a building or a child, he couldn't remember which. Vance got away, and was still out there in the bay area, probably ending sentences with prepositions on some street corner, corrupting the youth. Disgusting.
Jarvis drove off, tires screeching as he raced out of the parking lot. A few seconds after he left, another Volkswagen entered the parking lot. It was Duncan, back at last. Jarvis apparently didn't notice Duncan drive past him on the way in.
"Hello, everyone! I brought back some cornbread!" Duncan announced as he entered the bullpen. "Those folks were actually quite nice, and they made a compelling argument for why we should adopt new guidelines for handling the word y'all-"
Duncan trailed off as he noticed several of his fellow officers standing in a semicircle, dictionaries trained on him. Lieutenant Warbler advanced, mouthcuffs in hand.
"Officer Duncan, you're under arrest for accepting a bribe of delicious, mouthwatering ribs and violating the Nonreal Word Clause in the line of duty. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you if we can find even a small grammatical error in it. You have a right to a dictionary. If you cannot afford a dictionary, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as I've explained them to you?"
Duncan sighed. May as well get this over with. He put his hands behind his back and let Warbler put the cuffs on.
Meanwhile, Jarvis was well on his way to where Duncan had been hours ago, when he saw some teenage girls at an ice cream parlor chatting.
"Yeah, like, he's sooooo dreamy, but like, he's into trains, soooooo..."
Jarvis nearly crashed the car in excitement. This girl was misusing the word "like" flagrantly, and using vocal fry on top of that! This was a perfect chance to make an arrest. Only three more arrests this week and he'd get a nice little bonus.
"Excuse me, ma'am, you're under arrest for misuse of the word "like" and unlicensed vocal fry," he announced as he approached.
The girl stared at him in that weird mix of pity, disgust, and amusement that Jarvis mistook for deference and respect towards his uniform.
"Um, you like, used the wrong "you're" just now," she said.
"What? Oh, silly girl. The "your/you're" distinction only matters in written language. In spoken language, those two sound identical, and therefore-"
The girl and her friend dumped the rest of their root beer floats on Jarvis and ran away, laughing.
"Like, go fuck yourself, you weird wannabe pig!" she shouted as she rounded a corner out of sight.
Jarvis stood there on the sidewalk, root beer dripping down his uniform, fuming.
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Post by Biblically Accurate Angel on Jul 29, 2023 22:16:26 GMT -5
Moments later his phone rang and he learned of Duncan's return and arrest. Jarvis would not be the hero of the night. It was time to go back home.
He looked out into the night sky, and thought about his life. He thought about everything he had built for himself, everything he had done in his career, everything that was leading him right now during every waking moment. This job was more than just a job; it was a way of life.
Jarvis suddenly felt something move within his spirit. The memories that had been brought up in his mind during the Duncan debacle suddenly were making him change his course of action.
Jarvis stripped naked. A man walking his dog nearby started to back away in surprise. Then the Grammar Officer opened his car door and took out a spare uniform that he proceeded to put on. This done, he hopped back in his vehicle. He decided he was not going to leave this night empty-handed.
He was going to find Vance.
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 30, 2023 0:53:11 GMT -5
Back at HQ, Duncan was sitting in his cell when Lieutenant Warbler came by.
"Good news, we're dropping all the charges and reinstating you on the force."
Duncan did a double take. "But sir, why? I broke the Nonreal Word Clause."
"Oh, you absolutely did, and there's video evidence, but remember, we're police! The last thing we want is for a police officer to face consequences for breaking the rules while on duty. If we arrest you, we would have to start detaining grammar cops who use excessive force, and then there would be no one left to enforce the law, right?" He clapped Duncan on the shoulder and laughed.
Duncan looked uneasy. "Haha, yeah... we wouldn't want that..."
Meanwhile, Jarvis had finally reached the Bay Area, and decided to start his search in the city of Oakland. It was still night, and the moon hung in the air.
"I had better be careful. There's all kinds of dangerous people around here... like people who say 'brah' and habitual 'be' users."
Jarvis grabbed his guns and set out onto the mean streets, on the hunt for Vance.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Sept 4, 2023 14:38:19 GMT -5
Jarvis ended up not finding Vance; but he was surprised with who he did find as he was walking down the street... the girl from before who had excessively used like was had vocal fry. Jarvis grinned as he kept his distance behind her, and waited until just the right moment. He pulled out his gun... only, it was not a gun at all.
Funny thing about Grammar Police; they have no need for firearms in their line of work, instead, they use Granola Bars. Or rather, the GRAmmatic Neurolizer for Optimizing Language Arts - B-Series Automated Reconstruction. While its grip superficially resembled a firearm, it was clear looking at the rest of the device that it was not a gun; it looked more like a beam type pistol you saw in old sci-fi movies.
Taking out his Granola Bar, he aimed for the girls' head and a beam of light hit and struck her! But, she did not fall, or feel pain. Instead, she felt woozy for a mere second then came back to it right away.
"That's... weird. What just happened? Ah well, I am sure it is nothing" she said aloud to herself before walking along.
Jarvis grinned at the success he had, "Good old Granola Bars, they help you become regular" Jarvis quipped before holstering and moving on with his job.
And what happened to the girl, you ask? Well, it turns out not a lot of people liked her anyway, because the vast majority of people find those who speak with a vocal fry and say "Like" every other word to be extremely annoying. But after being hit with the granola bar, she no longer had a vocal fry and spoke properly. Subsequently, her relation with her parents improved because for the first time in years they could finally understand what she was talking about, people at school were no longer annoyed by her manner of speak so she made more friends, and the guy she liked now started paying more attention to her because he was able to focus on what she was saying now instead of being constantly distracted by her annoying manner of speech.
Sure, her close friends did find it weird that overnight the way she spoke completely changed, but the girl herself didn't think much of it; after all, if her life improved that much by speaking normally, why question a good thing?
.........
Officers Mallory and Francis were walking down the street in Seattle, Washington when suddenly a guy in his early 20s ran up to them, and was frantically yelling.
"Wassa up, fellas? Youse gotta help me and the fam, man! It's Kyle, we let him cook a lit night out since we was sick of Tommy's mid and cringe ideas just being so sus! We told Tommy to touch grass since he never understood the assignment and now he wants to go all Bang 30s on Kyle! He even wanna yeet Alyssa, dude! Man, only in Ohio, am I right? Man, us besties just wanna hear a good bop that slaps, not have to worry about him catching these hands! Tommy's no cheugy but man does he act all cheugy sometimes. I wish I had a good clapback for him when he freaked out, now its rent-free in my mind. I just wanna be vibing, man!"
Mallory and Francis looked at the young man wide eyed and then looked at each other,
"Should... should I use the Granola Bar? I have absolutely no idea what he's saying" Francis whispered, prompting Mallory to think about it.
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Post by Toz76 on Sept 6, 2023 3:19:53 GMT -5
"No need," Mallory said after some thought. "We're being made fun of."
"How can you tell?" Francis asked.
"Even by the standards of Gen Z slang, that phrase was horribly mangled. What gen-z kid in Seattle says "youse"? Who unironically says "yeet" anymore? And most of those phrases weren't even accurate in context. Either we're dealing with an out-of-touch millenial attempting to utilize lingo he does not understand, or more likely... a member of the Slang Underground Society."
"SUS?" I thought that was an urban legend?" Francis gasped.
"Sadly, no. A secret society dedicated to the breakdown of sensible language norms. They love to taunt us and interfere in our duties. They're domestic terrorists, basically the anti-grammar police. And there's a cell in every major city. Nowhere is safe from SUS behavior."
Mallory was more right than he knew. In another place, some delinquents were plotting the downfall of language. Three youngsters stood over a fourth, unconscious youngster.
"She was hit with like, a granola bar! We need to do something!" The first guy said.
"No need to panic, dude. We've got the antidote to the granola bar right here. Behold, the Twisted Rhetoric And Incorrect Language Magnifying Ionizer, Xtreme!"
"The Trail Mix? But I thought that was a myth!"
"It's still a prototype, but soon, we'll be able to use them to take out the Grammar Police for good!"
"Based!"
"Hell yeah it's based! Just watch!"
The delinquents aimed the TRAIL MIX (which looked oddly like a rubber duck) at the unconscious girl on the table, and fired. With a "squeak", a blue beam shot out of its beak. After a few moments, the girl stood, unsteadily.
"Like, what happened? I didn't feel like myself,"
"You got hit with the granola bar. It took away your vocal fry and your slang."
"Oh, thank god. I felt, like, so fake talking like some bougie accountant or something."
"Go forth and spread bad grammar, comrade!" The leader of the delinquents said. "And remember: don't trust anyone who judges you based on how you speak. Everyone has something valuable to say, no matter how much dialect or vocal fry they use, and if you can't look past that to hear them out, then you're an unempathetic person. Isn't that right, my fellow SUSsy bakas!"
The other radicals cheered. "SUS forever!"
As they said this, back in Oakland, Jarvis clutched his chest, as if the mere fact that someone said something so anti-grammar miles away caused a heart murmer.
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Oct 19, 2023 21:04:14 GMT -5
Meanwhile, Officer Duncan was being laughed at by a group of college students for trying to enforce Dangling Participle violations
"Seriously man? THIS is what you do for a living? Do you even like doing this job?" One guy said, laughing
Duncan stayed composed, but then sighed before admitting, "no, I hate this job" looking at the ground.
"Ha! I knew it! You're nothing but a... wait, what?" The guy said in confusion.
"You think I LIKE this job? I only do this because I can't do anything else! I didn't listen to my parents and I picked a major that didn't help me at all" Duncan said as he began shedding some tears.
"What do you mean?" One of the companions said, now curious.
"I...I majored in PHILOSOPHY! What was I thinking! Nobody gets successful in a philosophy major" Duncan lamented.
"Yea, true" A third admitted.
"But that still doesn't explain why you became a Grammar policeman" One of the girls explained.
"Well, I minored in teacher education... but I really didn't want to choose between rent and food" Duncan pointed out.
"True" the assembled crowd said in agreement.
"And to be fair... at least we aren't the Etiquette Police" Officer Duncan said.
"Who are the Etiquette police?" one of the guys asked in confusion
"Stop right there, ruffian!" A voice proclaimed, they all looked over and saw what looked like a man in a forest green police uniform similar to Duncan's Powder Blue, only it was a bit fancier and had a Victorian flair to it. He came up to the guy in question, and grabbed his arm.
"What the hell, dude?!" He said in anger.
"Young man, is this your woman?" The officer said with intensity.
"Yea, Delila is my girlfriend; what of it?" The guy said incredulously.
"How vulgar! Young man, don't you know that when youew are walking with your woman down the street, YOU are the one who walks closest to the street to keep her safe? Looks like someone needs to be taken in to learn about etiquette!" The officer said rather bluntly.
"What the heck dude?!" The man said in disgust.
"Hey, at least we're not the Fashion Police" The Etiquette Officer pointed out.
"On that we can at least agree" Officer Duncan said with a nod.
"Stop right there! You lot are all guilty of crimes against clothes!" two voices boomed. The group turned around to see a man and a woman in extremely fashionable pink police uniforms, drawing weapons that weren't guns, but they held them like guns.
"Jeez guys, don't you have ANYTHING better to do?" Officer Duncan said frustration.
"Hey! At least we do something that contributes meaningfully to society!" The woman said.
"Debateable" The etiquette officer muttered
"Now, come with us and we won't have to use our Candles!" The woman declared.
"Huh?" The group of college students said in confusion
"Our Clothing Apparatus for New Duds Leveler Up Extraordinaire! Guaranteed to make you look fashionable and ready to take on the world!" The man said
"Ok, now that's just cheating, you have two words that aren't even in your acronym" One guy pointed out
Just then, they both shot one of the women, and in a bright flash of color, she was wearing completely different clothes and had a different hair style.
"GAAAHHH!! What the hell!?" She screamed in confusion.
"See? Now you look fabulous!" The woman said in delight
"I look like I was in an explosion in a rainbow factory!" The female college student said, freaking out.
"Better than looking like a slut" The woman officer assured.
"SCREW YOU!" the college student yelled in anger.
"Uh oh, looks like we've got a real emergency on our hands; you'd better come with us before your taste in fashion gets any worse" The male fashion police officer said.
"Fine, but he's coming with me!" The etiquette officer said as he teleported away with the one he had been holding the whole time.
"And you lot are coming with us!" The two fashion police officers said as they took all three of the female students and one of the male students with them, and they also teleported away.. This left only two male college students with officer Duncan, utterly confused and shocked by what just happened.
"See? Compared to those etiquette guys and the walking cotton candy we are pretty tolerable" Officer Duncan pointed out.
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Post by Toz76 on Oct 25, 2023 19:17:57 GMT -5
"Do your departments ever have conflict with one another?" one of the college students asked.
"Oh, all the time!" Duncan said. "I remember one mission in particular. I was on an undercover mission to catch an infamous waiter in New York for flagrant letter dropping..."
*flashback*
Duncan took a seat at the table in the fancy restaurant. Jarvis sat across from him. Both were dressed in plainclothes, undercover as businessmen discussing finances over dinner.
"Bonjour, mon ami," the waiter said. "Welcome to 'annibal 'orner, where we're always 'appy to 'ave you for dinner. I am Pierre, your waiter. Can I start you two gentlemen off with our wine list?"
Jarvis tensed, ready to issue the arrest immediately, but Duncan shook his head.
"The wine list sounds lovely, thank you."
Suddenly, someone at the next table stood up. "A-ha! Pierre Delamonte, waiter, you're under arrest for improper table setting!"
"Excuse moi? I 'ave no idea what you are talking about!" The waiter protested.
"My name is Officer Buncan, Etiquette Police!" the undercover cop said. "Under standard table setting standards, silverware should be placed 20 centimeters from the edge of the table. These are clearly 19.6 centimeters away."
"I'm very sorry, monseiour, we can rectify this 'orrible mistake at once-"
Another undercover cop dressed in a loud polka-dotted suit stood up from another nearby table. "Hang on a second! Officer Cuncan, Fashion Police! This man is under arrest for wearing white after labor day!"
"I am a waiter! I 'ave to wear this!" The waiter protested.
"I've had about enough of this," Duncan muttered, standing up. "Officer Duncan, Grammar Police! Pierre the waiter is under arrest for repeatedly dropping the letter H from the start of words!"
"'ow dare you!" Pierre protested. "I am French! I 'ave an accent!"
"You should have thought of that before you took a job working for Hannibal Horner!" Jarvis said, standing up, a hand going to the Granola Bar hidden beneath his shirt.
Officer Harvis stood up next to Buncan. "Nice try, grammar nerds! This man belongs to the Etiquette Police!"
"Not on your life!" Officer Iarvis stood up next to Cuncan. "This man is under the jurisdiction of the Fashion Police, and we're taking him in!"
*end flashback*
"The resulting standoff lasted for eight hours and ended with three civilian casualties," Duncan said. "On the plus side, my cousin was inspired to get into the Mexican Standoff industry by it."
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Post by frankthetriviaman on Nov 23, 2023 11:33:38 GMT -5
"Your cousin? No way, your cousin is..." One college student began.
"Yep, Jeremy Barnes. I'm his cousin, Duncan Barnes" officer Duncan explained
"Sweet! I love that guy! Can you get me his autograph?" he asked.
"I can look into that" he said.
"But that still doesn't explain what keeps you as a Grammar Policeman" The other student asked.
"Well... the benefits are pretty nice" Officer Duncan said as he gave them a pamphlet entitled "Join the Grammar Police Today!" The two students began looking it over and their jaws dropped... "One month of paid vacation... union membership... pension and 401k retirement plans... medical, dental, ocular and prescription...and a starting salary of..." and these broke college students were in awe of the starting salary
"Wait, I can't help but feel like you guys pop up all over, are you guys trans-dimensional or something? So if I live in New York and I want to take a vacation to Seattle..."
"Oh yea, you're welcome to use our cross country teleportation on your vacation weeks; way cheaper than flights and if you wanted to you could go back home at night to avoid hotels. I still stay in them anyway since that part of the experience" Officer Duncan explained.
"But let's say you don't necessarily want to do field work..." the first student asked.
"There's always the administrative branch and the Department of Linguistics... even we have to acknowledge that language does change... the Department figures out what changes are logical and make sense... and most importantly, if used will not cause confusion in communication between two parties" he explained.
"So... you're not doing this to be *ssholes?" The second college student asked.
"Of course not. The *ssholes are the etiquette guys and the walking cotton candy. We just want everyone to freely understand each other regardless of generation, age, ethnicity or region and believe a common standard will solve all these problems; I only hate this job because I personally think some things make sense, its just the Department of Linguistics won't let me not enforce certain things since some determinations are a work in progress." he finished.
"Good sir! Where do we sign up!" The two students said excitedly. "Ahem, for the Department of Linguistics, of course" they clarified.
"Contact information is on the back; but please, watch those Dangling participles going forward" Officer Duncan said.
"Eh, I suppose he does have a point; I wasn't sure if it was you or Holly who went to that party when you were talking about it after all" the first college student said to the second, who conceded the point.
"Well, see you around" Officer Duncan said as he left and went to the nearest Grammar Police TOILET... or rather, Transferrance Omnidirectional Interdimensional Longitudinal Earthwide Transporter. "Can't wait to use the toilet that takes me to Disneyland" Duncan said in delight as he looked forward to next month's vacation
.........
The delinquents from before were meeting again, only this time, things were different.
"Everyone, I know we were initially formed to get rid of the grammar police, but recent events have made it clear there is a far greater, far more annoying enemy to worry about. All in favor of transitioning our sworn enemies from the Grammar Police to the Fashion Police, say aye" as it was revealed that the delinquents now all looked like fashion magazine models.
"Aye!" they all said in agreement.
"Why does my dress only have one sleeve" one of the girls said.
"Why is mine so short? My thighs are freezing!" another said.
"And this design is so impractical" one of the guys said.
"And why would anyone wear their hair like this? my regular style only take a minute to comb" another pointed out
And thus, the Slang Underground Society became FUSS... the Fashion Underground Society Supreme, an organization dedicated to allowing people to wear whatever made them feel comfortable
......
In Sacramento, California, Officer Wilkins was just wrapping up enforcement of double negative violations as well as excessive slang use when one of the people he had written straight up asked "Why are you doing this? Why are you guys so against slang?" she asked.
"You really want to know? I'll tell you. When I was young and ignorant, I was fully into a subculture where part of the slang was we said "ridiculous" to mean something is awesome, even though in the dictionary that word means absurd. My grandmother made the best chocolate chip cookies... they were perfect in every way. I loved them growing up. One day I visited her and made a terrible mistake... I said they were "ridiculous as always"... but she, she was deeply insulted and thought I never liked them, and only ate them out of pity. She never made them again and when she died she..." Wilkins said as he began tearing up "She destroyed her recipe! The best cookies ever and I'll never have them again! All because of SLANG!! If I had just used standard English and called them delicious I'd still be able to enjoy them. But nooooo.... all because I used a word I thought was positive and she thought was negative we couldn't communicate across our generational difference! I've been to so many bakeries and stores and I haven't been able to find a single cookie as fantastic as grandma's. I joined the grammar police and have sworn to destroy slang itself so that no one has to go though what I went through ever again! A world where we can all understand each other regardless of differences... and be able to share delicious cookies, isn't that something worth fighting for?" Wilkins finished.
"Oh. Uh... now I kinda feel bad" the girl admitted
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Post by Toz76 on Nov 23, 2023 14:08:56 GMT -5
Meanwhile, Mallory and Francis were at the scene of a car crash. A car had taken a wrong turn and pancaked into a concrete wall. The car's two passengers only had minor cuts and bruises, but they were yelling furiously at each other, and the driver had called the Grammar Police specifically.
"Hello, sir and ma'am, what seems to be the issue? This looks like a job for the Real Police, not the Grammar Police."
"Officer! My girlfriend's improper grammar caused this car accident!"
"Please explain your reasoning," Officer Francis said, pulling out a notepad.
"I was driving down Bequitan Drive, and I needed to turn onto Staley Lane, but I wasn't sure if I needed to turn left or right. So I asked my girlfriend, 'I turn left here, right?' and she said 'right', so I turned right and rammed right into that wall!"
"What I said was perfectly fine!" the girlfriend protested. "I said 'right' as in 'correct', meaning you should turn left! If I had wanted you to turn right, I would have said 'no, turn right'."
"Ooh, this is a tough one," Mallory said to Francis.
"I don't think any explicit grammar violations happened here," Francis said. "Technically, 'right' is not a complete sentence, but for informal purposes such as giving directions, it's considered acceptable."
"But the wording is still ambiguous, right? This could be filed under insufficient clarity," Mallory countered.
"Without a specific grammatical violation, I don't know if we can convict on that basis," Francis argued.
"Oh, no, do we need to call... her?" Mallory sighed.
"I am already here," said an ominous voice.
Mallory and Francis turned to see the Grammar Police's most reliable prosecutor, someone who knew the rules of grammar inside and out, freshly emerged from a nearby TOILET.
"Mary-Anne Webster, at your service," the woman said. "Let us investigate this issue."
**********
Duncan arrived at the local TOILET, preparing to return to HQ, but something felt off. He touched the TOILET, and suddenly, an ominous voice echoed over an unseen loudspeaker...
"GYAT DETECTED! SKIBIDI SKIBIDI SKIBIDI..."
Duncan recoiled in horror. "Oh no! This TOILET has been compromised by the Grammar Police's most consistent and feared foe: the weird and unfamiliar slang of middle and high schoolers!"
A shadowy figure appeared in the doorway. It was two thirteen-year-old boys, one standing on the other's shoulders, wearing a trench coat.
"Hello, Grammar Police cuck. I see you've fallen right into our SKIBIDI TOILET trap! Not so sigma now, are you?"
Duncan gasped, physically weakened by the slang. "What is this!"
The top teen smirked. "We call ourselves the Rizzler, and we're on a mission to replace all language with Gen Alpha slang that even Toz is too old to fully understand. And we're not just coming for you, we're coming for the Fashion Police and the Etiquette Police too."
"You'll never beat us! We have hundreds of years of language standardization and institutional power on our side!" Duncan protested.
The top teen just laughed. "We have something more powerful than that. We have TikTok memes."
"No... not that..." Duncan gasped, clutching his chest.
"Hey, is that a GRANOLA BAR?" The bottom teen asked. "Fanum tax!" He reached over and took the sidearm from Duncan.
"Good work, fellow sigma," the top teen said. "The Rizzlers back at the lab can reverse engineer that GRANOLA BAR into something that will make everyone talk like skibidi sigmas."
"You won't get away with this!" Duncan gasped, beginning to bleed from the mouth.
"Oh, you poor, foolish loser. Go back to Ohio." The two teens laughed as they left, leaving Duncan gasping for breath next to the sabotaged TOILET.
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