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Post by Eyes on Jun 24, 2023 17:47:57 GMT -5
The Tragedy of 3WSR Dear Friends, we come again to tell a tale Of olden days in Middle Age-esque styles Where in the scripts of Shakespeare we shall sail And so we all can pass these lonely whiles What bitter groups of characters we meet Shall be explained down further this here post And plot synopsis too I'll write complete Too know the paths of the old thread we boast Rediscover the tale of lands ancient And friends uniting to fight 'gainst evils In those journeys and questing will be spent The wanderings of all those medievals So come hither, and we shall meet our cast And in writing onwards, have us a blastCAST:
FRANK, TOZ, EYES, TGC, and Tug: A group of former knights who begin their first quest upon being fired by the king.
KING DAVID: The king of the land.
The DUKE of RANDOW PORT: A nobleman who is under the spell of a witch.
MacDERMONT: An old man with a knowledge of magic who sends the group astray.
JULIANA: His daughter and an acolyte who ventures with the group.
BYRON: A cousin of the king who wishes to take the throne for himself.
MacGRADY and GOLDREN: Two other cousins of the king and conquerers of neighboring countries who have aligned to capture the throne and wish to subjugate all the peasants of the kingdom.
The REAPER: An ally Eyes gains after dying.
Further cast members may appear later on; these are simply all the good ones from the first incarnation of the story.
ACT I
FRANK: What sayeth thou? It surely cannot be
That you are firing us?
MESSENGER: Aye, 'tis so, friend.
FRANK: Whatever for?
MESSENGER: The good king sayeth that thee
And thine mates are of good heart; there it ends.
[Exit: MESSENGER]
TOZ: Inconceivable!
EYES: And to think we spent
A good chunk of our lives to serve the king!
TGC: Aye, 'tis a shame.
[Enter: TUG]
TUG: What woe do your minds rent?
Why the long faces?
FRANK: The king's not seeking
Our services anymore. It leaves me
Dour.
TUG: Forget him! I have news to tell
From our friend, the good Duke of Randow Port.
Upon him a hag has placed a vile spell.
Come, my dears! His affairs we must now sort!
FRANK: Then let us be off at once, with all haste
To save the Duke; there is no time to waste! |
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Post by Toz76 on Jun 25, 2023 3:36:27 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO
A room in the duke's castle
ENTER Eyes, Tug, Frank, TGC, and Toz
EYES: Upon my faith, I have never seen such
riches and splendor before in my life.
TOZ: Indeed, it makes the heart shudder to think
of the poor gold miners who dug it up.
TUG: You do not have to speak in iambics
outside of soliloquys, you know.
TOZ: Nay,
Shakespeare wrote in blank verse for dialogue,
Ten syllables and five iambs a line.
FRANK: Though sometimes he would deviate his form,
Particularly for his villain's speech.
TGC: Or for the speech of the lower classes,
To imply they are less articulate.
TOZ: And truthfully, he often broke his rules,
squeezing extra syllables where he could.
FRANK: If a sentence scans not as iambic,
Perhaps a word must be pronounced just so.
TGC: Like "e'en" for even, or before as "ere".
EYES: Must you lot break the fourth wall so quickly?
Our story has only just begun. Let
Us hurry up and meet the duke. I hope
He treats us better than that foolish old
King, more cruel than great Mars and near as
Miserly as Midas, that ass-eared knave
Who wished for gold and killed all that he loved
With his excessive greed.
TOZ: As many do,
And historically have always done.
In Das Kapital, Marx says-
TUG: Oh, silence!
Thy anachronism irks me so, Toz.
TOZ (aside): Thy face irks me so, friend Tug.
TUG: Kill yourself.
ENTER a herald of the duke.
HERALD: All rise to welcome this most noble man,
Cousin of our sadly enchanted duke.
The steward of the throne of Randow Port,
Sir Byron of the White Rose. At his side,
That lovely fair maiden, Juliana,
Whose very blush turns men to stone at once,
Often courted but never spoilt, she stands
As proof of women's purity and grace.
ENTER Byron, Juliana, and attendants
BYRON: Greetings, fair stalwarts! Tell me, who art thou,
And what is thy purpose in my great castle?
FRANK (aside): Observe the extra syllable there? Seems
We have a villain on our hands. Without
The word 'great' in that sentence, it would scan
As iambic pentameter just fine.
EYES: Silence, dear friend, our host explains to us
The premise of the story we are in.
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Post by Eyes on Jun 25, 2023 5:02:35 GMT -5
TUG: Dear Sir Byron, may the wheats blossom well.
We come to help your cousin, Sir Randow,
Sadly enchanted by an old hag’s spell.
BYRON: Pray tell how I can be of service now, sirs.
But doth mine eyes not fool me? Are not you all
The group fired this morn by the king? What curse
Can be broken by a group of Ringos (as opposed to Pauls)?
I would rather trust my own bollocks!
JULIANA: Faith!
These are loyal men who come to help thy
Cousin (plus some of the feminine kind).
To seek the journey out and break his spell,
That is a task they can indeed do well.
Loyal souls they are, if a bit daft; but
Bravery is their forte, and they’ll do what
Even kings would shudder to comprehend.
I know this, for once they helped me to end
Woes of misfortune hanging like a stone.
Believe me, they will not stop ‘til they’re home.
TGC: Fellows, was not the sixth line eleven
Syllables? Is this lass a villain too?
EYES: You maggot of a thousand wives! Art thou
An imbecile? “Forte” has one syllable,
Pronounced like the word “fort”; as opposed to
The Italian musical “forte”,
Pronounced like “four-tay”. Now I beseech thee:
Insult not a woman again or I
Will give you a visit of Eyes fourty-
Five.
TGC: Orally thou art a functioning toilet.
EYES: Ah, eleven syllables! A villain!
TGC: Nay, not a villain; needed the extra
To properly tell you to f*** thyself.
BYRON: I doth see what the king was talking about.
JULIANA: Ignore it, sir, and help these gentlemen.
Not just loyal, they are Sir Randow’s friends.
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Post by Toz76 on Jun 26, 2023 1:54:12 GMT -5
BYRON: Friends of my uncle, you must seek this hag
Known as Old Rileius, in the fetid
Swamp of sin and ruin known as Florida.
EYES: By the angels above and sinners 'neath,
There is no way we set foot in that place.
TUG: Hey, it's not so bad, if you like marshes,
Foolish men, loose women, and boiling heat.
EYES: If I desired such things, I'd spend more time
In the sauna with you lot.
TUG: Well, touché.
BYRON: I beg you, go at once, for my poor cousin
Dependeth upon thee for his salvation.
EXIT BYRON, ATTENDANTS, AND MESSANGER
JULIANA: Oh, brave men and women, let me give thee
Some free advice. Tread not near Orlando,
For though they offer heroin for free,
Shooting up is not worth it. Do not go
Near the wretched place called Disneyworld,
Where vicious hunters wait to cut you down.
The mouse's flag of conquest now lies furled,
For heavy are the ears that wear the crown.
Avoid Miami, if at all thou can,
Tallahassee and Jacksonville as well.
And if in Tampa thou enter, no man
Who has been can escape the pits of hell.
Tread lightly, and take this advice to heart,
Accept my maiden's kiss ere you depart.
EXIT JULIANA
EYES: What a virtuous maiden!
TOZ: Unlike us.
FRANK: Most gifted with her tongue, it seems to me.
TUG: And no doubt in the other sense as well.
FRANK: Thou knowst not what you speak, knave. Do you dare
Besmirch the honor of such a maiden?
TUG: The rest of you are too beta to do
Any besmirching, so it falls to me.
TGC: I'll have you know I walk the path of great
Heroes of old. As mighty Achilles,
The greatest of the Greeks, loved Patroclus,
His eternal companion, as do I
Seek a warrior-husband to guard my rear.
FRANK: And if I try to speak to a woman
(My dear Toz and Eyes excepted, of course)
My knees begin to rattle, I quiver,
Break out in a sweat, and, ere long, throw up.
TUG: Exactly. None of you men virtue have,
Nor skill, nor bravery, valor or pride.
While our gals sold their womanly virtue
Long ago, for they are cheap and easy.
TOZ: And proud of it, thou blue-bellied knacker.
TGC: Enough's enough! See how the daylight wanes,
With haste let's go before our Duke's life drains.
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Post by Eyes on Jun 26, 2023 7:45:35 GMT -5
And so into the sunny land they went,
Towards Florida where Rileius dwelled.
And so as not to waste the day they spent,
Like Chaucer, stories they began to tell.
TGC: Companions, I am beginning to bore.
Cannot one of thee tell a tale of yore?
FRANK: Aye, give us a good-fashioned story friends!
We have five hours to spare ‘fore the quest ends.
EYES: Who shall go first?
TUG: Let it be Toz. Always
Cooking something up, wretched and quite gay.
TOZ: Coming up with a tale is good enough,
But iambic pentameter is tough,
And to rhyme each line with the one above,
Yes, my work is cut out for me enough.
But I’ll try! I happen to have a tale
About a mage of bronze who wished to sail…
FRANK: And make sure to include a good moral!
Don’t break souls with your poetry oral.
So Toz beginneth:
There once was a mage who wished to sail through
The coasts of gold. Of bronze he was made new
By a wizard named Charles Montegue, who
Was a kindly man not intending rue.
Still the mage was not impressed with this dude,
So he boiled the wizard in a good stew.
His love, a maid who could raise bones to life,
Brought back that poor wizard many a time,
Torturing him all day and night until
He prayed that the devil himself would kill
Him. But this tale is just about the mage,
So I will show his boating on this page.
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Post by Toz76 on Jun 26, 2023 14:33:43 GMT -5
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE
ENTER The Bronze Mage, Percy Silver, Priori, and Vivian Bloodsphere
BRONZE MAGE: Onward we sail to the coast of gold,
Where our victory or ruin awaits.
We shall encounter the nation of old,
Great Magykka, though now in dire straits.
A vicious dragon o'ertakes the land,
His wickedness unmatched by man nor beast.
The giants and the fey can take no stand
Against him, or they shall be his next feast.
This dragon leads his three calamaties,
A woman of most devastating ire,
A dragon with breath cold enough to freeze,
And a giant with whom he does conspire.
So we must go, the land to liberate,
If summoning the Horned One is our fate.
PERCY SILVER: Look, I can balance a sword on my nose!
VIVIAN: Enough of that, thou shalt injure thyself.
BRONZE MAGE: Let him be a fool, pain builds character.
PRIORI: We reach the coast at last.
BRONZE MAGE: Well spotted, great
Necromancer, may the Horned One reward
Thy wisdom, power, and greater eyesight.
VIVIAN: What can we expect when we come ashore?
BRONZE MAGE: Men with the heads of beasts, vermin, and birds,
Fishfolk and merfolk and dread sirens too.
And Giants, tall and mighty as Goliath
Who David with his humble stone did slay.
VIVIAN: Dare we set foot on this magical land
With our sworn enemies there at our side?
BRONZE MAGE: Be still, Vivian, Daniel is a friend,
There is no reason for us to despair.
ENTER Frank and Toz
FRANK: That's not how it happened at all! Elbaf
Had orcs and elves as well as what you name.
(EXIT Bronze Mage, Percy Silver, Priori, and Vivian)
TOZ: If thou think thou can tell this story best,
I beg of you, put thy money where thy
Mouth is. Tell us a story, Frank, ere we
Arrive in dreaded Florida tonight.
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Post by Eyes on Jul 29, 2023 19:40:16 GMT -5
So Frank began to tell his tale promptly:
FRANK: Now it all dates back to the years of old
When the magic was not yet known or heard
Of; when vicious beasts roamed through the island
Of Ordos, not yet tamed by mankind's ways.
Such beasts I shall detail in full glory,
Ere I e'en begin to tell the story.
An arrow whizzes over Frank's head before he can continue.
TUG: Great scott! Duck, you lot! We have been ambushed!
FRANK: But who would dare attack innocent souls
Such as ourselves?
ENTER a figure in black
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Post by Toz76 on Jul 30, 2023 0:18:11 GMT -5
EYES: What ho, stranger? How dare thou fire upon
us!
FRANK: The stranger does not speak! He is silent.
TUG: Behold! He draws a sword and approacheth!
TGC: Why do you say these things aloud? We can
all see what this fool does before us.
TOZ: Ah, but Shakespeare uses minimal stage
direction, leaving choreography
up to the various directors and
actors to decide in their production.
TUG: Thou dare to fire upon my friend? Have at thee!
They fight.
TOZ: See?
TGC: Thou exaggerate.
TOZ Nay, TGC,
that is a real stage direction used
in many a Shakespeare play. Look it up.
TGC: Well fuck me sideways and call me Gatac,
thou speak truly, a rare event indeed.
EYES: Will thee stop flirting and help! Tug hath been
stabbed through the shoulder, verily, he bleeds!
TUG: It's just a flesh wound, my dear knuckleheads,
I shall not faint from blood loss in this scene.
He swoons.
FRANK: Too soon?
EYES: Well, that just happened.
TUG: Little help?
TGC: The dialogue becomes cliched, what hacks!
FIGURE IN BLACK: Now, submit, cowards, and meet thy doom hence.
FRANK: Thou act before thou think, Figure In Black!
FIGURE IN BLACK: Hey, I hath a name, thou know.
FRANK: What is it?
FIGURE IN BLACK: Well, it's Figure In Black, but that's merely
a coincidence. Now, have at thee, knaves!
TOZ: I hath the strangest sense of deja vu.
FRANK: Indeed, dearest Toz, as do I as well.
FIGURE IN BLACK: No more tomfoolery or callbacks to
goofy forum posts from 2014,
stand and fight! Or perish by my bless'd blade.
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Post by Eyes on Oct 28, 2023 17:05:20 GMT -5
TUG: Oh dears, my friends and family, such luck
I have had in bringing along ye all.
I knew not of the perils - and it sucks
To be, in my prime, taking such a fall.
But - Frank, help me stand - I will go on and
Continue fighting! Glory and honor
Are just for me and my group to command.
Wait... are those tiddies? I've such a boner
From your magnificent, marvelous chest.
Dudes, I believe this is a figuress.
TGC: Wonderfully spoken; right on the nose.
(Aside) Lord, his blood loss has left him off his toes.
TOZ: In that case - Tug, you scurvy dog, I've said
Before that your posturing is for show
And show alone. Look, for the life you've led
As a steeled man, filled with testosterone;
Your mighty muscles could still thee not save,
For you have been bested by a mere maid.
FIGURE IN BLACK: You talk in rhymes and riddles. Save your breath
And put your dicks away! At least try and
Be a little more dignified in death,
And read up on feminist theory!
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Post by Toz76 on Oct 29, 2023 16:25:13 GMT -5
TUG: What the fuck didst thou just say about me,
thou little shit? I'll have thee know that I
graduated top of my class in the
Navy Seals, and I have been involved
in secret raids most numerous upon
the lairs of Al-Qaeda, and as well
I can verifiably claim to have
over fifteen score cleanly confirmed kills.
FRANK: Thou bleedest out before my very eyes,
pray, do not waste time dick-measuring hence.
FIGURE IN BLACK: Silence! I would speak to you whom I have
vanquished in the domain of fair combat.
TGC: Aye, say thy piece, thou foul demoness.
FIGURE IN BLACK: I am the one they call the Reaper Grim,
The shade of Charon walking among men.
With scythe I come to those whose soul grows dim,
To guide them hence to hell or to heaven.
I am the shepherd of the human soul,
the reaper at the harvest time of death.
All shall behold my robes as black as coal,
for all shall someday draw their final breath.
I serve not God nor Devil, I'm my own,
I do what must be done and do it well
I seek not praise, nor crown, nor jeweled throne,
I simply come to toll the final bell.
But most of you need not fear what I say,
I only come for one of five today.
TUG: As I suspected, my severe smoking
habit has fin'lly claimed my wretched life.
FIGURE IN BLACK: Nay, knave, I come not for thee, though beware,
thy final breath is closer than thou think.
FRANK: Then thou come to me, for I am eldest,
and have lived a full life with few regrets,
though I wish I had sired brilliant sons
before my time upon this earth ran out.
FIGURE IN BLACK: Nay, Frank, thou have a full life ahead still,
if thou chooseth better friends than these ones.
TOZ: Ah, of course! I must have contracted some
incurable medieval STD.
FIGURE IN BLACK: Not yet, but it is inevitable.
TGC: Alas, I see the way the wind blows, take
me quickly, for my twitter beefs have moved
from the digital sphere to real life.
Lo, the Nitrogen Era defenders
close in, I see now my life is forfeit.
FIGURE IS BLACK: Are you okay? Are you suicidal?
Do you lot need therapy or something?
Why dost you leap for death like a starv'd hound,
worrying the bone for scant scraps of flesh
to stave off hunger pains but a moment?
EYES: Wait one second, friends, let us use process
of elimination, and who is left?
A bell tolls.
FIGURE IN BLACK: The funeral bell tolls, and tolls for thee,
One Thousand Eyes, your life is at an end.
EYES: Then take me to Hell quick, o great reaper,
I have no further words I wish to say.
FIGURE IN BLACK kills EYES. EXIT EYES and FIGURE IN BLACK.
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Post by Eyes on Oct 31, 2023 19:54:24 GMT -5
TGC: What a glorious demise! Good heavens!
Father Frank, give us a good eulogy.
FRANK: Dearly belov'd, gathered we are today,
In memoriam of a fallen friend.
What tragedy she bore is gone away;
And now, at least, at last her soul can mend.
Anyways, it's All Hallows' Eve my lads!
I'm going to be handing out Whoppers -
Though it seems that Reese's makes the kids glad.
Odd children they are, minds of mere toddlers.
When I was a boy them balls of choc'late,
Hard as stone, tough as hell, breaking your jaw,
Did the trick for me and my childhood mates.
Man, this new gen' is the worst I've yet saw.
Ev'rything handed to them on a plate...
We must educate them 'fore it's too late!
TUG: Never mind the Whoppers, Frank, here's the Sex
Pistols; and anyway Toz spurns the taste
Of nut, yet would prefer them over your
Wretched medieval witch-a-brewed boulders.
TOZ: Friends, your lack of care for our dearly missed
And irreplaceable whore with much eyes
Is utterly reproachable and sucks
Much. What killed her? She was a mere virgin!
TGC: Thou hast said it - only the good die young.
TOZ: I'm speechless. A moment of silence, please.
A moment of silence.
TOZ: Aight, how's about a bite of lunch-e-on?
End Act One.
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ACT TWO, SCENE ONE.
Deep in the bowels of the underworld.
EYES: Alright, Reaper, pray tell what happens now.
REAPER: That know I not.
EYES (shocked): Yet you carry me off?
REAPER: Look, I hate to say that I am quite lost.
Generally I know what stoves in one,
In an all-knowingly sort of way, right?
But with thou something different occurred.
EYES: What meanest thou?
They stop walking, REAPER turns and looks at EYES.
REAPER: Someone's tinkered with death
And I must now figure out who it was.
This is not your time to die, so I've come
To save thee. 'Til we've uncovered the full
Scope of these affairs most horrible, thou
Shall walk with me between the worlds.
EYES: I see.
REAPER: Now I was surprised to find that thou and
Thy friends could hear my voice? To most I am
Merely silent. Clearly you have powers
Transcending your own world. What a wonder!
At any rate, come along; we must see
The all-powerful Keeper of Time. Haste!
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Post by Toz76 on Nov 1, 2023 21:16:50 GMT -5
Enter THE CULLING GHOST, THE HARVEST GHOST, and THE HEARTHSTONE GHOST
CULLING GHOST: Eyes, I come to thee with a dire warning,
You have let your mortal soul go astray.
HARVEST GHOST: We represent thy past, thy present, and
thine future. We will show thee the error
of thy ways, such that thou shall not err hence.
EYES: Very cute, I am familiar with
Dickens and his tale of miser Scrooge.
HEARTHSTONE GHOST: Come on, it'll be fun!
EYES: Thank thou, spirit,
but I shall pass for now. Mayhaps later?
CULLING GHOST: Ugh, fine! We did not truly wish to do a
"Christmas Carol" parody anyway.
EXIT GHOSTS
EYES: Do these ghosts have something to do with my
untimely death? They knew I would be here.
REAPER: Mayhaps, friend, but I know not. Ah, behold,
The Time Keeper's dwelling, lo, it lies hence.
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