Post by Biblically Accurate Angel on May 2, 2016 12:27:55 GMT -5
This is a new series I'm starting that's a parody of the Railway Series - basically, a cross between Thomas and South Park. Here's Season 1. Enjoy!... I hope.
1. Edward’s Day Out
Once upon a time - hold it, that's a stupid beginning to a story. Let's scratch that.
There was a little engine called Edward. Not little, really. He was a tender engine, so compared to a tank engine, he wasn't that little. He lived in a shed with five other engines. They were all bigger than Edward (except for that tank engine; what the hell is he doing here anyway?! Get out, you bastard!!) and boasted about - er, stuff. “The Driver won’t choose you again,” they said. “He wants big, strong engines like us.” Edward had not been out for a long time; he began to feel angry, and looked around for his chainsaw.
Just then the Driver and Fireman came to start work.
The Driver looked at Edward. “Why are you angry?” he asked. "Did you loose at cards again?"
"Shut up," said Edward.
The Driver decided that he'd like to stay alive, so he said meekly - “Would you like to come out today?”
“YUS,” said Edward. So the Fireman lit his fire and made a nice lot of steam. Then he took out a kettle and made some tea.
Then the Driver pulled the lever, spilling the Fireman's tea, and Edward puffed away.
“Peep, peep,” he whistled. “Look at me now.”
The others were very cross at being left behind.
Away went Edward to get some coaches.
“Be careful, Edward,” said the coaches, “don’t bump and bang us like the other engines do.” So Edward came up to the coaches, very, very roughly, and the shunter fastened the coupling - which broke.
“F*** you, Edward,” said the coaches. “That was rude, we aren't glad you are taking us today.”
Then they went to the station where the people were waiting.
“Peep, peep,” whistled Edward – “get in quickly, please - OR ELSE.”
So the people got in quickly and Edward waited happily for the Guard to blow his whistle, and wave his green flag.
He waited and waited – there was no whistle, no green flag. “Damn, damn, damn, damn – where is that Guard?” Edward was getting mad.
The Driver and Fireman asked the Stationmaster, “Have you seen the Guard?”
“No,” he said.
They asked the porter, “Have you seen the Guard?”
“Yes – last night,” said the porter, cheekily. The Fireman slapped him.
Edward began to get enraged. “Are we ever going to start this f***ing train?!” he shrieked.
Just then a little boy shouted, “Here he comes!” and there the Guard was, running down the hill with his flags in one hand and a sandwich in the other.
He ran onto the platform, blew his whistle, and jumped into his van - nearly breaking his foot in the process.
Edward puffed off. He did have a happy day. All the children ran out to wave as he went past and he ran over old friends at all the stations. He worked so hard that the Driver promised to take him out again next day.
“I’m going out again tomorrow,” he told the other engines that night in the shed. “What do you think of that?”
But he didn’t hear what the f*** they thought, for he was so tired and happy that he fell asleep at once.
1. Edward’s Day Out
Once upon a time - hold it, that's a stupid beginning to a story. Let's scratch that.
There was a little engine called Edward. Not little, really. He was a tender engine, so compared to a tank engine, he wasn't that little. He lived in a shed with five other engines. They were all bigger than Edward (except for that tank engine; what the hell is he doing here anyway?! Get out, you bastard!!) and boasted about - er, stuff. “The Driver won’t choose you again,” they said. “He wants big, strong engines like us.” Edward had not been out for a long time; he began to feel angry, and looked around for his chainsaw.
Just then the Driver and Fireman came to start work.
The Driver looked at Edward. “Why are you angry?” he asked. "Did you loose at cards again?"
"Shut up," said Edward.
The Driver decided that he'd like to stay alive, so he said meekly - “Would you like to come out today?”
“YUS,” said Edward. So the Fireman lit his fire and made a nice lot of steam. Then he took out a kettle and made some tea.
Then the Driver pulled the lever, spilling the Fireman's tea, and Edward puffed away.
“Peep, peep,” he whistled. “Look at me now.”
The others were very cross at being left behind.
Away went Edward to get some coaches.
“Be careful, Edward,” said the coaches, “don’t bump and bang us like the other engines do.” So Edward came up to the coaches, very, very roughly, and the shunter fastened the coupling - which broke.
“F*** you, Edward,” said the coaches. “That was rude, we aren't glad you are taking us today.”
Then they went to the station where the people were waiting.
“Peep, peep,” whistled Edward – “get in quickly, please - OR ELSE.”
So the people got in quickly and Edward waited happily for the Guard to blow his whistle, and wave his green flag.
He waited and waited – there was no whistle, no green flag. “Damn, damn, damn, damn – where is that Guard?” Edward was getting mad.
The Driver and Fireman asked the Stationmaster, “Have you seen the Guard?”
“No,” he said.
They asked the porter, “Have you seen the Guard?”
“Yes – last night,” said the porter, cheekily. The Fireman slapped him.
Edward began to get enraged. “Are we ever going to start this f***ing train?!” he shrieked.
Just then a little boy shouted, “Here he comes!” and there the Guard was, running down the hill with his flags in one hand and a sandwich in the other.
He ran onto the platform, blew his whistle, and jumped into his van - nearly breaking his foot in the process.
Edward puffed off. He did have a happy day. All the children ran out to wave as he went past and he ran over old friends at all the stations. He worked so hard that the Driver promised to take him out again next day.
“I’m going out again tomorrow,” he told the other engines that night in the shed. “What do you think of that?”
But he didn’t hear what the f*** they thought, for he was so tired and happy that he fell asleep at once.